This is not your beautiful house, and this is not your beautiful wife

How many of you have issues with your EX just walking into your house?

Yeah, no.

My Ex will wait until we open the door, but then he just strides right in, practically pushing his way past us.

Being exes, I have to pick my battles. However, this really bothers me. He never, and I mean NEVER invites me into his home at all and would freak out if I tried to enter even just an inch. So why does he feel entitled to stride in without being invited?

So recently we told him that he needs to wait to be invited in.

Boundaries, people, boundaries.

Would this bother you? What would you do if your EX kept barging in without being invited?

Divorce: Step 2

                                             Divorce: Step 2

If you haven't read my Divorce: Step 1 post, check it out here .

At the same time I was doing that step 1, I was researching Lawyers.

My steps to finding a -hopefully- good lawyer:

1) Ask around for recommendations.

• Divorced Friends that you trust
• Divorced Associates that you trust
• Divorced People at work that you trust
• Divorced Family members that you trust.
• People in the "legal world" that you are friends with and trust.

Notice that I kept saying "That you trust." If you don't want someone to spread the word that you are looking for a divorce, then don't ask someone that will go around spreading the word.

2) Look at your local Bar website (Not that bar, the Bar association. Silly.) Sometimes the Bar has a search engine where you can search for a specific type of lawyer.

3) If your case has a specific issue that you want a lawyer to have had experience with, call the experts in that field to ask them for recommendations. Maybe there is a lawyer who has the perfect background to handle your case?

4) When you have no other resources, do a good ol' internet search.

5) Once you have a lawyer or two or five in mind, look up the online reviews for that person. Keep in mind that a lot of people don't review something online unless they are mad. On the flip side, lots of companies, lawyers included, will ask their best customers to review them. Whatever the case is, reading reviews will give you a basic idea of that lawyer. Hopefully.

6) Compile a list of these lawyers (if you have more than 1 you are interested in), including their address, phone numbers, and any notes you have on them.

Note: I have always had a lawyer, and it has benefited me immensely. However, there are also legal aid options and pro bono options sometimes that you may find worth your time. These wouldn't work for my case, but they may work for your case.

Next time, Step 3!

Divorce: Step 1

                                              Divorce: Step1

The first thing I did after deciding to get a divorce was write down my "story." I also made sure I was keeping logs of everything going on.

Why write down your story? It feels like you will always remember everything about the time leading up to the divorce, but you'll be surprised at what you will quickly forget. 

But I didn't just write down my whole story, I wrote down the most important parts of the story that applied to 1) why I was getting a divorce, 2) things that might affect child custody and visitation, and 3) anything else you think might affect the court case.

I thought of this as my statement. I could take it to meet with and interview lawyers so that I could reference it, etc.

Again, it feels like you'll never need this. But believe me, you will. When the lawyer asks something like, "Well which came first: his acting out or his purchase of that merchandise?" (totally made up example) But you won't want to have to sit there debating over the timeline of your case. Having your story written out (maybe even put on a timeline) could help.

(Note: At this same time I was researching lawyers, but I will get to that in another post)

When Your Ex Starts Dating

When I first got divorced, I couldn't imagine my Ex dating any time soon. Not that I thought he wouldn't jump right in, but per the reasons of the divorce I was hoping he'd give himself time to figure some things out.

However, that's not really his style. He jumped right in.

I actually ran into him multiple times at Singles events. Which was . . . awkward. I mean, REALLY awkward. Especially because we have a bunch of the same friends, so we saw a lot of each other.

Nothing kills the mood at a singles event when you're hanging out with your Ex husband who was at the time trying to drag you to court any chance he got.

A couple of times I ran into him while he was on dates. Seeing him with another woman wasn't weird, though. I felt like I'd moved on already, so seeing him with someone else didn't really phase me. The awkwardness came from just being at singles events with him.

The other thing is that it makes you think about your own relationship status. Or lack there of. Which is not fun.

So how do you deal with that? How do you deal with the weird, awkward feelings of your Ex dating?

Personally, I just thought about all the reasons for the divorce. I thought about how I was treated, how I am still treated, and everything else. And all of a sudden it didn't matter that I was running into him in awkward places. Because what his relationship status was didn't apply to me. In fact, I have a court document saying that it DOESN'T APPLY TO ME. I'd moved on anyway, and life isn't a race.

Besides, some people have this incredible need to be in a relationship. It is unhealthy, and doesn't reflect on anything with you.

What are your thoughts?

When Divorced, when should you start dating?

Ah, the age-old re-occurring question:

"I'm getting divorced. When should I start dating?"

Some people mean this question in a "I am so excited to be moving on with my life, so when is the first possible moment I can put myself out there again" and some people mean this question in a "I am so traumatized from my marriage that I want to know the last possible moment that it seems acceptable for me to still not be putting myself out there again."

Did that rambling make sense? I hope so.

The problem with this question is that everyone has an a different opinion. Depending on who you ask, the answer will change drastically.

However, for me, it comes down to this:

1. Wait until the divorce is final. Judge signed, waiting period over FINAL.

For me, Dating while you are married at all is a no-go. Not only from a religious standpoint, but as a woman I don't want my guy legally attached to someone else. Not only is that creepy and disturbing, but generally we refer to that as cheating.

I don't want a guy that is ok with that in any degree, and I don't want a guy to think that I am ok with that to any degree.

2. Once the divorce is final, go with your gut.

Only you can know when you are ready to jump back into the dating scene. But it's OK to start slow. After all, it's weird to suddenly be in the singles scene again. But that is a post for another time.


What do you think? When is it OK to start dating?

If I marry a Divorced Man

I've said it before and I'll say it again: A person's true character comes out during a divorce.

The best and the worst of someone can be seen on the battlefields of the court room, the parental visitation pick-up sites, and -forbid- social media.

I know men that basically still take care of their Ex. They make sure that their family, married or not, is taken care of. The kids have fun stuff, the lawn stays mowed, the kids take part in extracurricular activities even if they fall on the statute Wednesday. Some of them even take vacations with their ex and share the holliday table. They have both gotten remarried, and still they keep the family together.

I did not get an EX like that.

However, I think it says a great deal about someone who keeps up on their responsibilities like that.

Of course I think it depends on your situation. I wouldn't blame my friend whose wife cheated on him if he didn't want to take her on vacations.

Yeah . . .

But, I think a lot about a person can be shown by how they go through a divorce.

If I were to date a divorced person seriously, I would insist on reading the paperwork.

Do you tell the new wife?

I witnessed a conversation the other day where a gal was asking if she needed to tell her ex's fiance about his abusive behavior and addiction.

What a touchy subject!!!!! On the one hand, you feel bad not telling the new wife about what you went through because if it were you, you'd want to know. On the other hand, is it your place?

Oh the conflict.

When I found myself in a similar situation, I knew that my ex would have a fit if I approached his fiance and told her . . . anything. He would have flipped.

But, at the same time, I would want to know if it was me.

So what did I do? I simply let her know that I was available to talk. Because, for me, it wasn't worth the backlash my kid and I would get from Ex if I had done any more than that. But that way she knew that I was open to discussing things if she had brought it up.

How about you? Did you talk to your Ex's fiance? (Or your fiance's ex?)