Keep a list of your Ex's information on your phone.

My tip of the day:

Keep a list of your ex's information on your phone.

You never know when you might need their information in a pinch and you don't have time to go home and get it. I have a file on my phone that has the following information on my ex:

-Name (though you should just remember this one)
-Birthdate (you probably remember this one too)
-Address (It's amazing how easily it is to forget the exact house number)
-License Plate Number
-Color, Make, and Model of their car
- Emergency contact numbers (their spouse, parents, siblings, etc.)
- Work Contact Information


I also have some other information that pertains specifically to my case or what I might need. Only you can know what that information is.


Do you have other information you make sure to have on hand?

Remember to take a deep breath!

Today's post is to remind you to take a deep breath. When your ex picks a fight, when the court doesn't listen, when everything just seems so crazy . . .

Take a deep breath. Think before you speak. Stay calm.

Flying off the handle, saying mean things back, and sometimes even just speaking your mind can get you into trouble.

Stay professional, and that is how you will be viewed. You want to be known as someone with a level head.

I cringe every time I hear someone say that they finally let their ex know what is on their mind.

Ugh. Because don't doubt for a second that your ex will use that next time you are in court, even just as a character reference.

Just stay calm. And think, "Is this reaction worth it in the long run/"

Just my two sense from my personal experiences. I don't know, maybe you've found something different?

Divorce Tip: Use your BCC

Today's tip is brought to you by the letters "BCC."

Three words: Blind. Carbon. Copy.

When you send an email to anyone important in your divorce proceedings, put your own address in the BCC spot. That way you have yet another copy of the e-mail, you see how it went through, it gives another confirmation that it sent.

Your ex, your lawyer, any third party or specialist.

I frequently talk about documentation. This is yet another way to make sure you always have proof. And also, if you send e-mails from different computers, they don't always share what you sent from each computer. You might not be able to see on one computer what you sent on another. This depends on your settings, if you are logged into the website or through your home interface.

B-C-C

How to announce that you are getting a divorce Part A

How do you tell someone that you are getting a divorce?  Your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, church friends, facebook peeps. At some point the subject of your divorce is going to come up with them.

Think about what you want to tell different people and have multiple answers prepared of different information levels.

• For some people, like your facebook peeps, you might not want to tell them very much. For example:

My husband and I are getting a divorce. Sometimes life goes unplanned, and you just have to deal with the crap that comes your way. Thanks for all of you who have voiced your concern and support for me and my family.

• Your Neighbors might get a little bit more information.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. As you probably know there was an odd vehicle in our driveway last weekend, and well I guess he was cheating on me. So, it is what it is. Thanks for the casserole.

• Co-workers and Church friends might get even more info.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. Apparently he was running around with another woman from out of town. He's decided to run away with her and leave me. We're dealing with it, and thank you for your prayers.

• Friends are told a lot more.

I came home one day to find a good-bye note from him. He'd been seeing her for years. He'd always come home with weird gifts and explanations of where he'd been. And then I met her, she was literally green with envy or something. She doesn't speak very much English, and so we weren't able to say much. Then she whisked him away. I won't ever see him again. I suppose that's a good thing. Oh, and thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder.

• Maybe you tell your family everything.

He ran away with a space alien! She had green skin and spoke some gobildeegook. She flew her spaceship to our house and then they flew away to her planet. I should have known when he kept bringing home meteors and things like that. How could I not have seen this?! 

You don't have to tell everyone everything. But you want to think ahead of time about what you will say.

Next post will be part B, a continuation of "How to announce that you are getting a divorce"

Compare your Copies

Whenever you have a stipulation or a final agreement or anything that you and your ex have to agree on, always keep track of your copies and what you specifically want or don't want in there.

For instance, say you are comming up with a final stipulation and your attorneys are emailing each other back and forth  with updated proposals. Have a list of things that you want. Say you want 1.Equal splitting of the bank Account, 2. For your spouse to have to have a life-insurance policy with your child(ren) as the beneficiary, and 3. for you to get the car and them to get the snow mobile. I don't know, your list could have anything on it. I never owned a snowmobile to know what that is like, but hey, your list is your list.

I also had a list of everything that my ex wanted that I thought would be very bad to include. There were many things that I gave into and let him have, but there were also things that he wanted  that would not have been good in the short and long terms.

So here is what I would do: Everytime I got a final stipulation proposal from my ex I would compare the lists to the document he sent AND I would compare his proposal to the one that I had sent him before. To see what he changed, what wording he wanted, if things had slipped in that I didn't want, if things had gotten taken out that I did want, etc.

You can't just assume that you will remember everything you had in there or that your EX was nice enough to leave it all alone. Always do this. Always compare, read, re-read, and re-read.

What is worse: Being tired of reading your proposal or finding later that you had missed something?

And then when you get your proposal or stipulation all done, what should you do? That's right. Read it again. Have someone you trust read it too. Obviously our lawyer should be reading it, but don't rely on anyone else to do your reading for you.

Read, Compare, Read, Compare. BEFORE you sign.

You and Your Spouse's Pornography Addiction

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist, or councelor of any kind. My posts are based solely on my personal experiences.

One of the most comforting pieces of advice/thoughts ever given to me while dealing with my spouse's pornography addiction was the following:

His (or Her) addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter what you look like, the frequency of intimacy, your weight, or anything else about you. Your spouse's addiction is their addiction and has no reflection on you. Unless you are showing them the pictures and things like that, then the case is different. But, barring you showing them pictures and like things, their addiction is not your fault!

I had been telling one of our counselors about some thoughts I had been having. Like, what if I hadn't put on a couple more pounds? What if I hadn't been so sick the last nine months? What if I wasn't so stingy with my hair routine and so I looked more refined? The counselor stopped my train of thought and told me that I had nothing to do with my husband's addiction. He basically told me everything in the above paragraph.

Then he said the following: My husband could marry a Porn Star and he would still have his addiction. Because an addiction is an addiction.

The addiction is a beast, feeding on itself. Addicts are always looking for the next "high," the next step up. Nothing is good enough, and if it is, then it won't be for long.

Sometimes an addict will try to blame their spouse (mine did), saying that to get what they want they have to turn to Porn. This is an incredibly low blow and very demeaning. Try not to let it get to you. Porn addictions create an unrealistic environment that can come with a lot of unrealistic expectations. Simply put: Porn creates a situation where nothing satisfies the addict.

The demeaning things my husband said to me and the things he blamed me for are words that still haunt me. It is still hard to think about the times that he purposefully made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Was he right? Absolutely not. Is it hard to deal with such demeaning lies? Absolutely yes. When our counselors found out about what he had said to me one of the times they were so disappointed. They wondered at why someone who was wanting me to help him through his issues would purposely alienate and push me down like that. It is a very painful thing to deal with.

At some point we need to talk about withdrawals.

I have heard multiple stories where the addicted spouse will try to get the other spouse to look at porn with them. I have never been faced with this problem myself, but I would strongly caution you not to participate. You don't want that crap in your head, you don't want to get addicted, and you don't want to picture what he has seen. Remember: Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your worth is not decided by your husband, your wife, or anyone around you. God knows your worth, and he is the one who really counts.

-If a man eats too many jalapeno peppers and ruins his taste buds, can he be believed when he complains that a delicate cheesecake is flavorless? No. The cheesecake is just as flavorful and good as it ever was. It's just that the man has ruined it for himself. The cheesecake is completely blameless.  :)

If you are dealing with this as the spouse of an addict, I am so so sorry. Soon we will talk about other things that spouses of addicts can do to get through all the crud. Believe it or not, there are lots of couples who work through this addiction and come out stronger in the end. 

Should I Get Divorced?

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist or adviser of any kind. This is based off of my personal experiences. 

Unfortunately, many people have found themselves asking this exact question. Should we separate? Should we get a divorce? 

The first thing to remember is that no one can answer these questions except for you. No one can make the decision for you. Frankly, that's the way it needs to be. You never want to regret the decisions you make because you let someone else choose for you. 

I am a huge believer in working it out if at all possible. I really dislike when I hear someone say they got divorced because they just "grew apart." Now, there is probably more to their story than that (which we will talk about in a later post). When thinking about getting divorced you have to consider many things. Some of which are the following:

1. What are your reasons for wanting a divorce? 

2. Are the problems in your marriage truly problems? For example: caps left off of the toothpaste and getting mad about the seat being left up are probably not good reasons for a divorce.

3. What are your options? Can you go to counseling? Can you go visit one of your church leaders? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? Addiction counseling? Legitimate support groups? 

4. Are you spiritually taking care of your marriage and self? Lots of people go on a pilgrimage of sorts to find religion. Pray, read your scriptures. God gave us these things for a reason and has asked us to make good use of them. If you aren't following what he suggests, then don't be shocked when things start to fall apart.  

My point is to think long and hard before getting a divorce. 

On the other hand, some divorces are just done deals. I agree with Dr. Laura's 3 A's, but we will talk about them in a later post. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations with spouses who are dangerous, who physically hurt us, who end up being addicted to dangerous substances, who end up being murderers or kidnappers or rapists. In this case you have probably moved past the basic question of divorce and are now wondering how in the heck to protect your family. More to come on that later.

Remember that divorce is awful to say the least. It is harrowing, it is draining, costly, stressful, time consuming. Sometimes it is necessary, but sometimes it really isn't. Make sure that you think hard on this subject, pray and try to see your situation for what it really is. Are you in a dangerous marriage, or is it something that can be worked on?  

Log It! - Start Now!

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist or adviser of any kind. This is based off of my personal experiences. 

I cannot stress the importance of keeping thorough logs of everything in your case. Basically a journal of what happens. Having a log makes it easier to recall the date something happened, to watch for patterns, to remember details, etc. I have used my logs numerous times to help me write court paperwork, to give as evidence to evaluators involved in our case, and just to refresh my memory. Here is a list of SOME of the logs I keep:

1. Contact from my Ex. - I keep logs of all of the contact we have. I write down if I receive a text from him, an email, if I see him because he comes to pick my daughter up for a visit, etc. I also keep a log of the content of the communication. It includes copies of all emails, copies of all texts and summaries of any time we speak on the phone. Yes, these logs get massive, but they have been critical for reference. 

2. I keep a log of all case communication. Emails and conversation summaries with my Ex, from and to my lawyers and any professionals assigned to the case.

3. I keep a time line of my case. This is great when as time and the case go on I can reference what happened and in what order. 

4. I keep a log of all court proceedings. Everything, whether it is a court conference, hearing, or mediation, I make a note of when it was, what was being heard or discussed, and what the ruling or outcome was. This is especially nice when you've had multiple court dates. Note: this information is also included in my time line.

4. I keep a log of things having to do with visits. For instance, I write down how the pick-ups and drop-offs went, if anything out of the norm happened. I include the mood changes in my daughter and comments that she makes regarding how her time was spent or her feelings about it.

5. I keep a physical copy of all important papers. Start this from the beginning, keep it organized as you go. It's a beast to organize after the fact. I will do another posting on what I did with my binder in the future.

5. Keep your computer and electronic documents well organized right from the start. Again, it's a beast to organize later. I will do another post on this in the future.

These are just a few examples of logs you can keep. The more you are prepared, the easier things will be on you in the future, and the faster you can put together clear and accurate court paperwork. Much of the information gets duplicated from one log to another, but I have found that necessary for the purpose of keeping each log accurate and complete, independent of the other logs. 

You need to figure out what works best for you and how best to keep your logs. It does take a lot of work and it can be hard to faithfully update them. But remember that YOU are the one that knows your case the best. If you don't have the information that you need, you can't expect anyone else to. Even the best attorney only knows your situation through you, not to mention that they have to juggle the information of several clients.

Please, Please Please start your logs now while events and dates are still fresh in your head. Down the road you might not recall the exact wording that was said or the order of things. 

If you have a hard time remembering to update your logs daily, try making it a part of your morning or bedtime routine. Have a list of logs to update or, if you are using notebooks, leave them stacked in sight or in an easily accessible location.

Watch Your Court Calendar

Hey all! 


I am not sure how all of the states or countries work their calendars, whether they be public or not.  But one thing I have learned is the importance of often checking my court's calendar.  Whenever I get notice of a court hearing I compare it to what the court's online calendar says.  I've used it as a backup for whatever I've been told.  One day I realized that the time I was given and the time on the calendar didn't match up and I was able to sort everything out ahead of time. 


Tip:  I use my search function ( Ctrl + F ) while viewing the calendar.  I enter my last name and sort through the matches until I find (or don't) my name and case.


Remember that I'm not a lawyer or anything of the sort.  I'm just someone who has gone through the divorce process and learned from it. 


-Dee

Truth will out!

I looked it up!  "Truth will out" comes from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, according to http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/390200.html.  Basically, it means that the truth will not always be able to be hidden (even if it takes a LONG time).  Having gone through many court dates, miles of court paperwork, lawyers, and many other fun divorce experiences; I think my greatest piece of advice to give is to always tell the truth.  ALWAYS tell the truth.  I have found that truth is credibility, truth is lasting, and truth is real. 

I wish we could expect everyone to tell the truth.  I can't tell you how many times I've sat in a court room, listening to lies from the other side of the room.  It wouldn't be appropriate, but sometimes I have wanted to ask my ex and his lawyer to look me in the eye and then repeat what they just told the court.  However, as time has gone on, many of the lies have come to light.  Many of the truths have "out."  Lies in the courtroom and paperwork have been refuted in subsequent testimony.  Because when your story is false, it just won't match up.  Not forever.  And then you just hope and pray that the court takes into account the dozens of conflicting claims and stories.  That someone has got to realize, that after the other side has claimed I lied on a point, they eventually always end up proving what I said to be the truth.  Because the question then follows: If she has been right and told the truth about everything thus far, what else was she right about?

So, my friends in this awful world of divorce, make sure that at the end of your battle you can hold your head high.  That no matter what happens, you know you have told the truth.