Divorce: the Department Store Method

Divorce: the Department Store Method, By Dee Vorce

You ding the little bell on the counter and straight away the person who performed your marriage comes to assist you.  "Hello," you say, "I'd like to make a return."

He looks your spouse up and down, "Is there a problem with it?"

"Apparently my purchase was too hasty.  I thought it was a good deal at the time, but after a while I realized that I got taken."

"What exactly was the problem?"

You roll your eyes and tell him about the __________________(Insert problem here.  Aka: addiction, abuse, adultery, etc.)

The man behind the counter shakes his head, "I'm sorry you had to go through that, do you happen to have your receipt?"

You dig through your wallet a little bit, "I guess not."

"That's ok.  But since you don't have your receipt, I'm going to have to keep a re-stocking fee of half of all your assets."

"Half of all my assets?!"

"Why yes!  And also, I'm going to have to charge you a legal fee for all of this advice I'm giving you."

"A what?!  How much is that going to be?"

"I'm not sure, but I can tell you it will be a heck of a whole lot more than you plan on.  Let's start with $3,000."

You hand him a check, "But that's it, right?"

He chuckles to himself, "Oh no.  You may decide to pay a rehabilitation fee."

You point to your soon to be ex- spouse, "For them?"

"No, no.  For you.  You may decide to go see one of our customer service agents to help you through this hard time.  You know, to help you move past buyer's remorse."

You put your hands on top of your head, "This is a lot harder than I expected it to be."

"Don't worry, we have a free gift for you because you are such a valued customer."

"A free gift?"

"You can keep your married name if you'd like."