Find: Weird studies on divorce

I found this really weird slideshow on odd divorce studies. How do they come up with these things?http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/11/11/oddball-divorce-facts-_n_770635.html

Assuming

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. ~Henry Winkler

www.quotegarden.com

Able to Show Your Progress

I learned my lesson one day when trying to hold my ex in contempt. Luckily the evidence was indisputable, so he was chastised. However he wasn't held in contempt because I hadn't told him that he needed to follow court orders.

I'm serious.

The Commissioner said that he wanted to see emails or some kind of proof of conversation that I had talked to my ex about the fact that he wasn't current in his court ordered payments.

You'd think that assuming you had to follow court orders would be a given.

I don't know if every judge or commissioner handles this the same way mine did, but this is something to keep in mind.

Just another reason I keep my logs (see posts on logs)

You and Your Spouse's Pornography Addiction

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist, or councelor of any kind. My posts are based solely on my personal experiences.

One of the most comforting pieces of advice/thoughts ever given to me while dealing with my spouse's pornography addiction was the following:

His (or Her) addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter what you look like, the frequency of intimacy, your weight, or anything else about you. Your spouse's addiction is their addiction and has no reflection on you. Unless you are showing them the pictures and things like that, then the case is different. But, barring you showing them pictures and like things, their addiction is not your fault!

I had been telling one of our counselors about some thoughts I had been having. Like, what if I hadn't put on a couple more pounds? What if I hadn't been so sick the last nine months? What if I wasn't so stingy with my hair routine and so I looked more refined? The counselor stopped my train of thought and told me that I had nothing to do with my husband's addiction. He basically told me everything in the above paragraph.

Then he said the following: My husband could marry a Porn Star and he would still have his addiction. Because an addiction is an addiction.

The addiction is a beast, feeding on itself. Addicts are always looking for the next "high," the next step up. Nothing is good enough, and if it is, then it won't be for long.

Sometimes an addict will try to blame their spouse (mine did), saying that to get what they want they have to turn to Porn. This is an incredibly low blow and very demeaning. Try not to let it get to you. Porn addictions create an unrealistic environment that can come with a lot of unrealistic expectations. Simply put: Porn creates a situation where nothing satisfies the addict.

The demeaning things my husband said to me and the things he blamed me for are words that still haunt me. It is still hard to think about the times that he purposefully made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Was he right? Absolutely not. Is it hard to deal with such demeaning lies? Absolutely yes. When our counselors found out about what he had said to me one of the times they were so disappointed. They wondered at why someone who was wanting me to help him through his issues would purposely alienate and push me down like that. It is a very painful thing to deal with.

At some point we need to talk about withdrawals.

I have heard multiple stories where the addicted spouse will try to get the other spouse to look at porn with them. I have never been faced with this problem myself, but I would strongly caution you not to participate. You don't want that crap in your head, you don't want to get addicted, and you don't want to picture what he has seen. Remember: Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your worth is not decided by your husband, your wife, or anyone around you. God knows your worth, and he is the one who really counts.

-If a man eats too many jalapeno peppers and ruins his taste buds, can he be believed when he complains that a delicate cheesecake is flavorless? No. The cheesecake is just as flavorful and good as it ever was. It's just that the man has ruined it for himself. The cheesecake is completely blameless.  :)

If you are dealing with this as the spouse of an addict, I am so so sorry. Soon we will talk about other things that spouses of addicts can do to get through all the crud. Believe it or not, there are lots of couples who work through this addiction and come out stronger in the end. 

Should I Get Divorced?

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist or adviser of any kind. This is based off of my personal experiences. 

Unfortunately, many people have found themselves asking this exact question. Should we separate? Should we get a divorce? 

The first thing to remember is that no one can answer these questions except for you. No one can make the decision for you. Frankly, that's the way it needs to be. You never want to regret the decisions you make because you let someone else choose for you. 

I am a huge believer in working it out if at all possible. I really dislike when I hear someone say they got divorced because they just "grew apart." Now, there is probably more to their story than that (which we will talk about in a later post). When thinking about getting divorced you have to consider many things. Some of which are the following:

1. What are your reasons for wanting a divorce? 

2. Are the problems in your marriage truly problems? For example: caps left off of the toothpaste and getting mad about the seat being left up are probably not good reasons for a divorce.

3. What are your options? Can you go to counseling? Can you go visit one of your church leaders? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? Addiction counseling? Legitimate support groups? 

4. Are you spiritually taking care of your marriage and self? Lots of people go on a pilgrimage of sorts to find religion. Pray, read your scriptures. God gave us these things for a reason and has asked us to make good use of them. If you aren't following what he suggests, then don't be shocked when things start to fall apart.  

My point is to think long and hard before getting a divorce. 

On the other hand, some divorces are just done deals. I agree with Dr. Laura's 3 A's, but we will talk about them in a later post. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations with spouses who are dangerous, who physically hurt us, who end up being addicted to dangerous substances, who end up being murderers or kidnappers or rapists. In this case you have probably moved past the basic question of divorce and are now wondering how in the heck to protect your family. More to come on that later.

Remember that divorce is awful to say the least. It is harrowing, it is draining, costly, stressful, time consuming. Sometimes it is necessary, but sometimes it really isn't. Make sure that you think hard on this subject, pray and try to see your situation for what it really is. Are you in a dangerous marriage, or is it something that can be worked on?  

Log It! - Start Now!

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist or adviser of any kind. This is based off of my personal experiences. 

I cannot stress the importance of keeping thorough logs of everything in your case. Basically a journal of what happens. Having a log makes it easier to recall the date something happened, to watch for patterns, to remember details, etc. I have used my logs numerous times to help me write court paperwork, to give as evidence to evaluators involved in our case, and just to refresh my memory. Here is a list of SOME of the logs I keep:

1. Contact from my Ex. - I keep logs of all of the contact we have. I write down if I receive a text from him, an email, if I see him because he comes to pick my daughter up for a visit, etc. I also keep a log of the content of the communication. It includes copies of all emails, copies of all texts and summaries of any time we speak on the phone. Yes, these logs get massive, but they have been critical for reference. 

2. I keep a log of all case communication. Emails and conversation summaries with my Ex, from and to my lawyers and any professionals assigned to the case.

3. I keep a time line of my case. This is great when as time and the case go on I can reference what happened and in what order. 

4. I keep a log of all court proceedings. Everything, whether it is a court conference, hearing, or mediation, I make a note of when it was, what was being heard or discussed, and what the ruling or outcome was. This is especially nice when you've had multiple court dates. Note: this information is also included in my time line.

4. I keep a log of things having to do with visits. For instance, I write down how the pick-ups and drop-offs went, if anything out of the norm happened. I include the mood changes in my daughter and comments that she makes regarding how her time was spent or her feelings about it.

5. I keep a physical copy of all important papers. Start this from the beginning, keep it organized as you go. It's a beast to organize after the fact. I will do another posting on what I did with my binder in the future.

5. Keep your computer and electronic documents well organized right from the start. Again, it's a beast to organize later. I will do another post on this in the future.

These are just a few examples of logs you can keep. The more you are prepared, the easier things will be on you in the future, and the faster you can put together clear and accurate court paperwork. Much of the information gets duplicated from one log to another, but I have found that necessary for the purpose of keeping each log accurate and complete, independent of the other logs. 

You need to figure out what works best for you and how best to keep your logs. It does take a lot of work and it can be hard to faithfully update them. But remember that YOU are the one that knows your case the best. If you don't have the information that you need, you can't expect anyone else to. Even the best attorney only knows your situation through you, not to mention that they have to juggle the information of several clients.

Please, Please Please start your logs now while events and dates are still fresh in your head. Down the road you might not recall the exact wording that was said or the order of things. 

If you have a hard time remembering to update your logs daily, try making it a part of your morning or bedtime routine. Have a list of logs to update or, if you are using notebooks, leave them stacked in sight or in an easily accessible location.

About Me

My Story

My husband and I were your typical, young, poor student, couple.  A couple of months before my first Baby was due, something changed. Sure we had always had our little issues to work through and we weren't perfect, but suddenly he was perpetually moody. He started growling deep in his throat (literally)and snapping. Even his Mother took notice and told me that he should be treating me better than he was. I attributed his behavior to stress at work and school.

Nothing changed until a month after the baby was born. He had been in a particularly depressed mood one day, and was much quieter than normal. He asked if we could go for a ride and talk. On that ride he told me that he had been viewing Pornography. He claimed that this had been going on for a couple of months (from about the time he got moody) and that he had been physically stimulating himself for our whole marriage.

Suddenly things clicked into place. Conversations, weird occurrences, strange things that happened around him suddenly made a little more sense. I felt sick.

We separated for a couple of months, but immediately started marriage counseling, personal counseling for his addictions, and group counseling for his addictions. We also started having regular meetings with our church leaders. When things weren't improving, it was suggested that we try working it out under the same roof. After that, things seemed to be a little better. Though something, a nagging feeling inside, warned me that something was still off.

A couple of months later I asked him if there was anything else he should tell me. He said no, but the look in his eyes told me that he wasn't being completely truthful. So I asked him if there was anything he was wondering if he should tell me. As he answered, and told me more and more details over the next 24 hours, my world seemed to crumble around me. Apparently he had been using pseudo child porn. It's a dangerous, addictive substance, has almost no difference from regular child porn except that it is legal.

My path was clear. Pornography, though extremely difficult, can be worked through in a marriage. But things that concern children? Incest? And that is what he's getting his highs on? No way.

We separated again, this time for good, and the divorce proceedings began. The next few years brought a myriad of experiences, stress, shock, and a whole host of other things. I am still dealing with this. In fact, we have just barely signed a final agreement after being in divorce proceedings for longer than our marriage lasted.

I figure that I could help others by sharing my experiences. Obviously I have changed names and identifying details.