You and Your Spouse's Pornography Addiction

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist, or councelor of any kind. My posts are based solely on my personal experiences.

One of the most comforting pieces of advice/thoughts ever given to me while dealing with my spouse's pornography addiction was the following:

His (or Her) addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter what you look like, the frequency of intimacy, your weight, or anything else about you. Your spouse's addiction is their addiction and has no reflection on you. Unless you are showing them the pictures and things like that, then the case is different. But, barring you showing them pictures and like things, their addiction is not your fault!

I had been telling one of our counselors about some thoughts I had been having. Like, what if I hadn't put on a couple more pounds? What if I hadn't been so sick the last nine months? What if I wasn't so stingy with my hair routine and so I looked more refined? The counselor stopped my train of thought and told me that I had nothing to do with my husband's addiction. He basically told me everything in the above paragraph.

Then he said the following: My husband could marry a Porn Star and he would still have his addiction. Because an addiction is an addiction.

The addiction is a beast, feeding on itself. Addicts are always looking for the next "high," the next step up. Nothing is good enough, and if it is, then it won't be for long.

Sometimes an addict will try to blame their spouse (mine did), saying that to get what they want they have to turn to Porn. This is an incredibly low blow and very demeaning. Try not to let it get to you. Porn addictions create an unrealistic environment that can come with a lot of unrealistic expectations. Simply put: Porn creates a situation where nothing satisfies the addict.

The demeaning things my husband said to me and the things he blamed me for are words that still haunt me. It is still hard to think about the times that he purposefully made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Was he right? Absolutely not. Is it hard to deal with such demeaning lies? Absolutely yes. When our counselors found out about what he had said to me one of the times they were so disappointed. They wondered at why someone who was wanting me to help him through his issues would purposely alienate and push me down like that. It is a very painful thing to deal with.

At some point we need to talk about withdrawals.

I have heard multiple stories where the addicted spouse will try to get the other spouse to look at porn with them. I have never been faced with this problem myself, but I would strongly caution you not to participate. You don't want that crap in your head, you don't want to get addicted, and you don't want to picture what he has seen. Remember: Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your worth is not decided by your husband, your wife, or anyone around you. God knows your worth, and he is the one who really counts.

-If a man eats too many jalapeno peppers and ruins his taste buds, can he be believed when he complains that a delicate cheesecake is flavorless? No. The cheesecake is just as flavorful and good as it ever was. It's just that the man has ruined it for himself. The cheesecake is completely blameless.  :)

If you are dealing with this as the spouse of an addict, I am so so sorry. Soon we will talk about other things that spouses of addicts can do to get through all the crud. Believe it or not, there are lots of couples who work through this addiction and come out stronger in the end.