Divorce and the worry that you've failed.

Divorce is a very painful business. No one plans to find the love of their life and then separate from them. When you are walking down the aisle your thoughts aren't "I wonder how nice he (or she) will be to me when we are divorced."

You plan to grow old together, sitting on matching rocking chairs on a wrap-around porch. Your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will love to visit. You have a vacation home big enough to fit everyone you've ever met in it and the worst fight you've ever had is over the toothpaste cap.

Yep, your plans looked great!

I remember being excited for the life ahead of us. We'd be "starving students" together, scrounging for dates at the dollar theater. Then we'd work and save and grow our family. We'd have at least 6 kids, all of which would be natural angels. Eventually we'd magically be rich and we'd vacation in Hawaii at least once a year. It was going to be great!

I know, Hawaii was a long shot.

But then it all shattered. And I suddenly found myself divorced. I had other divorced women make the comment to me that they felt like they failed. That maybe they'd let themselves and their family down.

Because, and it is very very true, families are supposed to be together forever.

And to be divorced means that for some reason that is not happening.

Did those women fail? Did you fail? I honestly don't know. Every situation is different and only you know what happened in your's. Sometimes one person really does mess the whole marriage up single handedly.

Here is what I do know. I am divorced, and I DID NOT FAIL. No way, no how. Was I perfect in my marriage? Of course not. There are lots of areas in which I wish I had done better. But they are areas that all marriages struggle with. Every single couple has to learn together.

The "normal" issues were not the reasons that we divorced. And it makes me sad that our marriage never stood a chance to work through and learn. My ex's choices and actions are what crumbled our marriage. Not our silly disagreements on what dishes can and can't go in the microwave.

Although, seriously, I was right. ;) Metal should NOT go in the microwave!

So here is the big question: should I feel like I failed? No.

Divorce is crap. It is the complete opposite of how things should be. But what is the alternative when you are in a situation like mine where there really is no choice? Where the marriage or partner poses serious risk?

If you can work out your marriage, then do. I always advocate working it out if at all possible. But don 't get caught in this feeling of failure if it isn't your failure to begin with.

And, if you are the partner that seriously failed? Figure whatever issues you are dealing with out. Go see a therapist or something. Because whether you are still married or are divorced, your partner or ex will be so grateful for your growth and healing. It is never too late to better a situation.