The Ins and Outs of Mediation Part 1

Mediation. Oh, Mediation. I know thee well.

At least where I live, it is mandatory that parties attend mediation to attempt to work out a parent time dispute  before going before the Commissioner. It has to be a parent time dispute and not other kinds of issues to mandate going to mediation.

Pro: You get another chance to hopefully work things out, ideally with a good mediator.

I have had varying experiences with mediation. Some of my experiences were very good. I have had occasions where I came away from mediation feeling like a lot was accomplished. I have also come away from mediation feeling like someone had wasted my time.

The difference in whether I had a good mediation versus whether I had a bad mediation generally came down to 2 things:

1. The willingness of my ex to communicate and work things out

2. The actions/attitude of the mediator. I'll talk about this one in a future posting "The ins and outs of Mediation Part 2"


Things in mediation are confidential and we can't use what is said there in court. This can be good and bad. Bad because sometimes a lot can happen and be said in mediation that you can't ever refer to later. Remember what I said back in #1? Your ex can show up, get it on the record that they showed up to mediation, and then turn right around and walk out the door, having simultaneously gotten court credit for being there and refusing to mediate.

Being able to leave at any point is important, of course, in certain cases that ability could be very beneficial. But it is frustrating when one parent is purely causing trouble and they just waste your time.

In my personal experience, it helps to make sure you go into mediation being extra nice. Starting on a good foot, having a relaxing environment has usually helped. But in the end it doesn't matter how nice you be if your ex is just out for war. It only takes one to mess it up.

Tips:

1. However hard it may sometimes be, always keep your cool. Don't get into a screaming match, don't make snide comments that you will regret later.

2. Listen. Even if you don't agree with what they are saying, listen to what they have to say. If you give respect, you might get respect. And, if you both listen, any true misunderstandings might work out as well. Plus, the Mediator will see that you are taking this seriously.

3. Make sure that you don't get hung up on something that you shouldn't. Do you know what I mean? Think about what you are fighting for, what you are insisting, and seriously think about whether you have your priorities straight or not.

4. Don't give up important things just for the sake of getting out of mediation. If it is worth fighting for, be serious about it.

5. Be nice.

6. Think ahead of time what you might be willing to cave on and not cave on. Sometimes you can use these things as bargaining points. For instance, you might be willing to give in to something your ex wants if he or she will give in to what you want. You just have to decide ahead of time.



In my experience, here is what happens at mediation:

1. You show up. On time, if not early.
2. You meet with the mediator and pay the fee (which can be lowered if you apply for it and match qualifications)
3. The mediator reads the rules to you and has you sign an agreement to mediate.
4. The mediator will lead a discussion.
5. If you come up with an agreement, it is written down. If not, you leave and probably are headed for a future court date.
6. One of your lawyers draws up an agreement based on what you agreed to.
7. You have the chance to review it before it gets submitted to the court.