Meet With Your Lawyer Before Hearings

If you have a hearing scheduled, I would suggest that you plan to meet with your lawyer for a few minutes ahead of time to do the following:

1. Make sure that you are both on the same page. You both have things that you may want to say to each other. Maybe they want to give some advice, maybe you want to tell them what your priorities are, maybe one of you has an update. Also, lawyers have lots of cases, so it might be a good idea to take a couple of minutes to get them into the swing of your case.

2. This way you will both be on time. I have never had a lawyer be anywhere near late to a hearing, but I have seen their clients be late to hearings. Don't be late!!!!!!!!!!!

3. I personally feel calmer and not so rushed when I have had a chance to meet with my lawyer before a hearing. Not only have I been in the courthouse for a few minutes, but I have talked with my attorney and we've gone over the issues.

4. I have dealt with a few attorneys in my experience, and they have each had different jobs and levels of professionalism. One time the attorney who always argued my case in court showed up without having even read our paperwork and motion. It was a different, awesome attorney who always did the paperwork.

Well, where did that leave me? No where good. I was so upset. But luckily we had planned to meet half an hour ahead of time and I was able to catch him up on a couple of things.

Now, that is a much longer story than I just relayed. And the situation with that attorney went downhill very fast. But you get the point.

ALWAYS MEET AHEAD OF TIME!!!!!!!!!

Compare your Copies

Whenever you have a stipulation or a final agreement or anything that you and your ex have to agree on, always keep track of your copies and what you specifically want or don't want in there.

For instance, say you are comming up with a final stipulation and your attorneys are emailing each other back and forth  with updated proposals. Have a list of things that you want. Say you want 1.Equal splitting of the bank Account, 2. For your spouse to have to have a life-insurance policy with your child(ren) as the beneficiary, and 3. for you to get the car and them to get the snow mobile. I don't know, your list could have anything on it. I never owned a snowmobile to know what that is like, but hey, your list is your list.

I also had a list of everything that my ex wanted that I thought would be very bad to include. There were many things that I gave into and let him have, but there were also things that he wanted  that would not have been good in the short and long terms.

So here is what I would do: Everytime I got a final stipulation proposal from my ex I would compare the lists to the document he sent AND I would compare his proposal to the one that I had sent him before. To see what he changed, what wording he wanted, if things had slipped in that I didn't want, if things had gotten taken out that I did want, etc.

You can't just assume that you will remember everything you had in there or that your EX was nice enough to leave it all alone. Always do this. Always compare, read, re-read, and re-read.

What is worse: Being tired of reading your proposal or finding later that you had missed something?

And then when you get your proposal or stipulation all done, what should you do? That's right. Read it again. Have someone you trust read it too. Obviously our lawyer should be reading it, but don't rely on anyone else to do your reading for you.

Read, Compare, Read, Compare. BEFORE you sign.

Find: Weird studies on divorce

I found this really weird slideshow on odd divorce studies. How do they come up with these things?http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/11/11/oddball-divorce-facts-_n_770635.html

Assuming

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. ~Henry Winkler

www.quotegarden.com

Able to Show Your Progress

I learned my lesson one day when trying to hold my ex in contempt. Luckily the evidence was indisputable, so he was chastised. However he wasn't held in contempt because I hadn't told him that he needed to follow court orders.

I'm serious.

The Commissioner said that he wanted to see emails or some kind of proof of conversation that I had talked to my ex about the fact that he wasn't current in his court ordered payments.

You'd think that assuming you had to follow court orders would be a given.

I don't know if every judge or commissioner handles this the same way mine did, but this is something to keep in mind.

Just another reason I keep my logs (see posts on logs)

You and Your Spouse's Pornography Addiction

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist, or councelor of any kind. My posts are based solely on my personal experiences.

One of the most comforting pieces of advice/thoughts ever given to me while dealing with my spouse's pornography addiction was the following:

His (or Her) addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter what you look like, the frequency of intimacy, your weight, or anything else about you. Your spouse's addiction is their addiction and has no reflection on you. Unless you are showing them the pictures and things like that, then the case is different. But, barring you showing them pictures and like things, their addiction is not your fault!

I had been telling one of our counselors about some thoughts I had been having. Like, what if I hadn't put on a couple more pounds? What if I hadn't been so sick the last nine months? What if I wasn't so stingy with my hair routine and so I looked more refined? The counselor stopped my train of thought and told me that I had nothing to do with my husband's addiction. He basically told me everything in the above paragraph.

Then he said the following: My husband could marry a Porn Star and he would still have his addiction. Because an addiction is an addiction.

The addiction is a beast, feeding on itself. Addicts are always looking for the next "high," the next step up. Nothing is good enough, and if it is, then it won't be for long.

Sometimes an addict will try to blame their spouse (mine did), saying that to get what they want they have to turn to Porn. This is an incredibly low blow and very demeaning. Try not to let it get to you. Porn addictions create an unrealistic environment that can come with a lot of unrealistic expectations. Simply put: Porn creates a situation where nothing satisfies the addict.

The demeaning things my husband said to me and the things he blamed me for are words that still haunt me. It is still hard to think about the times that he purposefully made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Was he right? Absolutely not. Is it hard to deal with such demeaning lies? Absolutely yes. When our counselors found out about what he had said to me one of the times they were so disappointed. They wondered at why someone who was wanting me to help him through his issues would purposely alienate and push me down like that. It is a very painful thing to deal with.

At some point we need to talk about withdrawals.

I have heard multiple stories where the addicted spouse will try to get the other spouse to look at porn with them. I have never been faced with this problem myself, but I would strongly caution you not to participate. You don't want that crap in your head, you don't want to get addicted, and you don't want to picture what he has seen. Remember: Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your worth is not decided by your husband, your wife, or anyone around you. God knows your worth, and he is the one who really counts.

-If a man eats too many jalapeno peppers and ruins his taste buds, can he be believed when he complains that a delicate cheesecake is flavorless? No. The cheesecake is just as flavorful and good as it ever was. It's just that the man has ruined it for himself. The cheesecake is completely blameless.  :)

If you are dealing with this as the spouse of an addict, I am so so sorry. Soon we will talk about other things that spouses of addicts can do to get through all the crud. Believe it or not, there are lots of couples who work through this addiction and come out stronger in the end. 

Should I Get Divorced?

Note: I am not a lawyer, therapist or adviser of any kind. This is based off of my personal experiences. 

Unfortunately, many people have found themselves asking this exact question. Should we separate? Should we get a divorce? 

The first thing to remember is that no one can answer these questions except for you. No one can make the decision for you. Frankly, that's the way it needs to be. You never want to regret the decisions you make because you let someone else choose for you. 

I am a huge believer in working it out if at all possible. I really dislike when I hear someone say they got divorced because they just "grew apart." Now, there is probably more to their story than that (which we will talk about in a later post). When thinking about getting divorced you have to consider many things. Some of which are the following:

1. What are your reasons for wanting a divorce? 

2. Are the problems in your marriage truly problems? For example: caps left off of the toothpaste and getting mad about the seat being left up are probably not good reasons for a divorce.

3. What are your options? Can you go to counseling? Can you go visit one of your church leaders? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? Addiction counseling? Legitimate support groups? 

4. Are you spiritually taking care of your marriage and self? Lots of people go on a pilgrimage of sorts to find religion. Pray, read your scriptures. God gave us these things for a reason and has asked us to make good use of them. If you aren't following what he suggests, then don't be shocked when things start to fall apart.  

My point is to think long and hard before getting a divorce. 

On the other hand, some divorces are just done deals. I agree with Dr. Laura's 3 A's, but we will talk about them in a later post. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations with spouses who are dangerous, who physically hurt us, who end up being addicted to dangerous substances, who end up being murderers or kidnappers or rapists. In this case you have probably moved past the basic question of divorce and are now wondering how in the heck to protect your family. More to come on that later.

Remember that divorce is awful to say the least. It is harrowing, it is draining, costly, stressful, time consuming. Sometimes it is necessary, but sometimes it really isn't. Make sure that you think hard on this subject, pray and try to see your situation for what it really is. Are you in a dangerous marriage, or is it something that can be worked on?