What to Wear to Court

When you have a court date you want to look nice and like you actually care. I'm not a judge or Commissioner, but whenever I am at the court house I can't help but inwardly groan at the people who come to court in their ratty jeans and a t-shirt.

If that is all you have, then I know that puts you in a tough spot. However, if  you are able to, just look nice. For guys, it's a suit. Wear a tie. Maybe you could get away without an actual suit, but just a button up shirt and nice pants. But I would be very wary of that. Ask your lawyer.

For girls, wear a skirt or dress pants. have on a nice shirt.

You get the picture. You aren't going to the prom here or anything, but you at least need to look like you care.

Remember that in any situation your appearance is the first thing that people notice. And, right or wrong, they judge you based on that first impression. Make sure you look presentable.

As always, ask your lawyer.

It Only Takes One To Mess It Up

When I was first telling people that I was getting divorced, I got a whole range of reactions.

• Some people immediately guessed what part of the problem was. And they were amazingly right. 

• Some people responded awkwardly, not knowing what to say. I don't blame them.

• Some people who knew my situation congratulated me. Which is also awkward but I appreciated their understanding.

• Some people chastised me. And this is what I am going to talk about today. 

I had lots of people respond with something like this:

"Oh, Hunny, it takes two to keep a marriage successful." 

Or something like:

"Marriage is hard. You need to work through it."

I would just clear my throat awkwardly and, without telling all of the details of the divorce to this person who obviously knew nothing about it anyway, tell them that the situation had become dangerous, and I didn't have a choice.

Because, yes, it definitely takes 2 to keep a marriage successful. That is so true! 

But it only takes one to mess it up. This is also true. And you can't expect someone to stay in a dangerous situation just for the sake of not getting a divorce.

Divorce and the worry that you've failed.

Divorce is a very painful business. No one plans to find the love of their life and then separate from them. When you are walking down the aisle your thoughts aren't "I wonder how nice he (or she) will be to me when we are divorced."

You plan to grow old together, sitting on matching rocking chairs on a wrap-around porch. Your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will love to visit. You have a vacation home big enough to fit everyone you've ever met in it and the worst fight you've ever had is over the toothpaste cap.

Yep, your plans looked great!

I remember being excited for the life ahead of us. We'd be "starving students" together, scrounging for dates at the dollar theater. Then we'd work and save and grow our family. We'd have at least 6 kids, all of which would be natural angels. Eventually we'd magically be rich and we'd vacation in Hawaii at least once a year. It was going to be great!

I know, Hawaii was a long shot.

But then it all shattered. And I suddenly found myself divorced. I had other divorced women make the comment to me that they felt like they failed. That maybe they'd let themselves and their family down.

Because, and it is very very true, families are supposed to be together forever.

And to be divorced means that for some reason that is not happening.

Did those women fail? Did you fail? I honestly don't know. Every situation is different and only you know what happened in your's. Sometimes one person really does mess the whole marriage up single handedly.

Here is what I do know. I am divorced, and I DID NOT FAIL. No way, no how. Was I perfect in my marriage? Of course not. There are lots of areas in which I wish I had done better. But they are areas that all marriages struggle with. Every single couple has to learn together.

The "normal" issues were not the reasons that we divorced. And it makes me sad that our marriage never stood a chance to work through and learn. My ex's choices and actions are what crumbled our marriage. Not our silly disagreements on what dishes can and can't go in the microwave.

Although, seriously, I was right. ;) Metal should NOT go in the microwave!

So here is the big question: should I feel like I failed? No.

Divorce is crap. It is the complete opposite of how things should be. But what is the alternative when you are in a situation like mine where there really is no choice? Where the marriage or partner poses serious risk?

If you can work out your marriage, then do. I always advocate working it out if at all possible. But don 't get caught in this feeling of failure if it isn't your failure to begin with.

And, if you are the partner that seriously failed? Figure whatever issues you are dealing with out. Go see a therapist or something. Because whether you are still married or are divorced, your partner or ex will be so grateful for your growth and healing. It is never too late to better a situation.

What does it mean when a lawyer wants a retainer?

Find yourself with a lawyer that wants a retainer?

To get an idea of what a retainer is, check out this link:

https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/retainer

lots of lawyers work on a retainer basis. They may request you give them a retainer to "retain" their services. Say they ask you to keep your retainer at $3,000. Then as they do work on your case and use up that retainer, you must pay to keep that retainer at $3,000.

Not all lawyers work on a retainer basis, but many many do. My guess is that most do.

What Happens When You Switch Lawyers?

Don't be afraid to switch lawyers if you need to. There are many reasons to switch lawyers, but what it comes right down to is what you feel is right for your case. Every case is different, and not every lawyer would be a good fit for you and your case.

From my personal experience, here is what happens when you switch lawyers:

1) I would suggest you find a new lawyer before you let your current one go.
2) When I switched lawyers, my new lawyer said that either I or he will send a letter to the old lawyer telling them to stop work on the case, that they are no longer representing me. Ask your new lawyer about wording and how to do this.
3) Your new lawyer will need all of the info on your case. Get your file from your old lawyer, send the information to your new lawyer. Again, talk to your new lawyer about how to do this.
4) Don't forget to pay any bills to your old lawyer.
5) Also, you will need to talk about payment structures with your new lawyer. He or she may work on a retainer basis.You may need to pay them a sum of money upfront. Just like you may have had to do with your first lawyer.

Itemized Bills

Ooh, I hope you trust your lawyer. However, it is very nice when your lawyer sends you an itemized bill. It shows you what exactly they did on your case, what lawyer (if multiple are on your case) worked on it, for how long they worked on it, and what they are charging you for it.

There have been times that I was so glad I had an itemized statement. I had things go sour with my first law firm, and I was able to show them the statements they sent me full of errors (legal errors, things billed to me that weren't part of my case at all, things I had asked them not to do that they did anyway and charged me for it, a lawyer that padded his time like crazy. He would put 30 or 40 minutes for the same meeting that two other lawyers put 10 minutes for.). There was a lot more to it than that, but it gives you an idea of the importance of itemized statements. It was such an asset to have.

Divorce in Alabama

Note: I am not vouching for any of these, this is solely a compilation of sites meant to get you started. Make sure to do your own research. And I ALWAYS suggest getting a lawyer and  trusted legal council. These lists are not complete, but only constitute the beginning of research.


Some Alabama divorce help sites:

• http://www.divorcenet.com/states/alabama
• http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Alabama-Divorce-Laws-404.html
• http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/alabama/alabama-divorce-laws-657.shtml
• http://divorce-laws.insidegov.com/l/1/Alabama

Government Site:

• http://judicial.alabama.gov/index.cfm

Go Here to Find what Judicial Circuit you are in and information specific for you:

• http://www.alacourt.gov/JudicialCircuits.aspx

Find a Lawyer:

• http://www.alabamalawyers.org/
• http://lawyers.findlaw.com/lawyer/state/alabama

Legal Aid/Help:

• https://www.alabar.org/for-the-public/need-legal-help/