Divorce: the Department Store Method

Divorce: the Department Store Method, By Dee Vorce

You ding the little bell on the counter and straight away the person who performed your marriage comes to assist you.  "Hello," you say, "I'd like to make a return."

He looks your spouse up and down, "Is there a problem with it?"

"Apparently my purchase was too hasty.  I thought it was a good deal at the time, but after a while I realized that I got taken."

"What exactly was the problem?"

You roll your eyes and tell him about the __________________(Insert problem here.  Aka: addiction, abuse, adultery, etc.)

The man behind the counter shakes his head, "I'm sorry you had to go through that, do you happen to have your receipt?"

You dig through your wallet a little bit, "I guess not."

"That's ok.  But since you don't have your receipt, I'm going to have to keep a re-stocking fee of half of all your assets."

"Half of all my assets?!"

"Why yes!  And also, I'm going to have to charge you a legal fee for all of this advice I'm giving you."

"A what?!  How much is that going to be?"

"I'm not sure, but I can tell you it will be a heck of a whole lot more than you plan on.  Let's start with $3,000."

You hand him a check, "But that's it, right?"

He chuckles to himself, "Oh no.  You may decide to pay a rehabilitation fee."

You point to your soon to be ex- spouse, "For them?"

"No, no.  For you.  You may decide to go see one of our customer service agents to help you through this hard time.  You know, to help you move past buyer's remorse."

You put your hands on top of your head, "This is a lot harder than I expected it to be."

"Don't worry, we have a free gift for you because you are such a valued customer."

"A free gift?"

"You can keep your married name if you'd like."

Sometimes You Find Yourself Saying, "What the Crud?! I honestly didn't see that coming."

Many times throughout my divorce experience I have found myself completely baffled at one thing or another.  These are things I never saw coming.  Sure, this happens in life as a general rule.  But in divorce it seems to be an exaggerated effect.  Things happen all the time that make you want to say, "What the Crud!?"

Any way, I saw something else this week that made me say this.  Follow this link and look at the first picture.  What you are seeing isn't snow, it isn't water, it's spider webs!  EWWWWW!  http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/thousands-spiders-blanket-australian-farm-escaping-flood-165958059.html

So, whether you're forced to evacuate your Australian farm because thousands of wolf spiders invade your land, or whether your divorce is somewhat surprising, you're not alone in saying, "What the Crud?!  I honestly didn't see that coming!" 

"Pinterest Fail"

So, I found this hilarious website the other day. First, let me start off by saying that I am not a member of Pinterest.  I am afraid that if I were to join it that I'd waste time on there.  But then the other day I found this website called Pinterest Fail.  And now I am seriously tempted to join Pinterest just so that I could submit on their page.  Basically, it's a place for people to share the DIY project they found on Pinterest and then to share how their attempt to recreate it turned out.  Then other people can comment and give advice, etc.  It is pretty funny!

http://www.pinterestfail.com/

Find: Interesting Divorce Laws

Check this out!  I laughed out loud at some of these divorce laws.  My favorite one is the second one, the one from Kentucky.  I won't give it away by telling you what it is, you just have to go see for yourself.  But I do wonder what happened in the first place to get this law written.  ?????????  Who knows.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/27/divorce-laws-which-divorc_n_1457486.html

BIG Divorce Settlements

Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_most_expensive_divorces .  It's nothing crazy, just a list of some pretty darn expensive divorces.  Seriously, Holy Cow!  If you didn't know before: Divorce is EXPENSIVE.  Granted these are all celebrities who have more money than I have ever seen.  I am sure I will have more to come on this subject.

Dating the Cheez-it Way!

I think we should all date using the cheez-it method.  You just look at your date and think "Is this person ready?"  Are they mature enough yet?  Are they too square, or do they have a rounded out personality?  Do they melt when they see you?  Or do they have a half-baked story?  Maybe they act like they invented the cheese wheel? 
But the most important thing we learn from Cheez-its?  Real Cheese Matters.  I mean... Real Men Matter.  In other words: Don't Settle!

Bad Form: Got Milk

We've all seen them, the infamous "Got Milk" advertisements.  Some of them are pretty fun.  Plus, let's face it: Not very many people could get these big stars to pose with something like a milk moustache.  It's silly, but many times enjoyable. 

Until I saw a Hayden Panettiere "Got Milk" poster hanging in an elementary school.   It's down right seductive.  Our kids get enough of this kind of junk without having it hang in their lunch room.  It isn't modest, it isn't respectful.

Any way, that's all.

Bad Form!