Pause, Think

So there I was, looking at my ex and his wife. They had come to pick up my kid for a visit, and they were standing in my living room.

Kid gets all excited about something Kid is finally big enough to do and tells them about it. The excitement fills up the room.

Ex's wife freaks out because she doesn't approve of what kid is telling them.

I try to diffuse the conversation by reminding Ex's wife that Kid is getting older, and is at the recommended age.

Ex's wife freaks out some more. Snapping at me, saying that the kid is not big enough yet. she starts rolling her eyes at my answers, and the attitude comes out.

My ex just patted her on the shoulder, not caring to say anything but obviously recognizing that the way she was acting wasn't good at all.

I pause. This conversation could go one of three ways.

1) I snap back at her and everything escalates.

2) I don't say anything and then my kid is left thinking about what the Ex's wife said and wondering if it is true.

3) I take a deep breath, put as nice a smile on  my face as I could muster, and set the record straight.


Which one do you think I did?

Yup, number 3!

So I smiled and said that we've been waiting until kid was old enough and big enough, and that it is totally safe because Kid reaches all of the recommendations.

Ex's wife snaps back, apparently knowing better, and rolls her eyes some more.

I pause. This conversation could go one of three ways.

1) I throw her out of my house for fighting with me like this in front of my kid.

2) I don't respond, just smile nicely.

3) I smile nicely and tell her that if she can't be nice then she doesn't have to be a part of pick ups.


Which one do you think I did?

Yup, number 3!


Basically, I said that we are following the recommendations, and that we made sure that Kid was well within the government's recommendations before taking this next step. Then the Ex's wife was told that if she can't be civil, she doesn't have to be a part of pick up time.

She didn't like being told that, but... maybe she should have paused and thought about what she was going to say next.

Pause. Think.

Because sometimes I do decide that silence is the best answer. And sometimes I need that pause so I don't react the same way that my Ex and his wife
are acting. And, when something does need to be said? That pause helps me to say it calmly and nicely.

Pause. Think.

And don't roll your eyes.

What should I do with my ring?

I've been thinking about my ring and what to do with it.

The way I see it, there are a few options:

1) Sell it. Get the money. Not that it would be a lot, but hey! Or save it for bartering durring the Zombie apocalypse...

2) When I first took my ring off, I went back into the jeweler that we bought it from to get it cleaned. The jeweler told me to brink it back if I ever get re-married and they will add the value of the ring to whatever new ring my future husband and I buy.

3) Save it for my kid? Though that is a little weird...

I don't know. Thoughts? Thoughts? What did you do with your ring and why? Are there options I'm not thinking of?

Did you know that I am divorced?

It's true. I'm divorced. 

And still I run into friends who don't know. All they remember is that at some point I got married.Who can blame them, really? It's hard enough to keep up with really good friends, let alone friendly acquaintances or friends that you haven't seen for years.

It makes for some really awkward reunions. 

There have been a lot of awkward things in my divorce. And, for that matter, in my marriage. 

What about you? Have you had some awkward divorce moments?

If so, know that it is normal. You wouldn't have had a divorce in the first place if something awkward hadn't happened.

You want a "matchless match"

Not just any guy or gal will do! You want to find someone who shares the same values and the same goals as you.

This scene from Fiddler on the Roof starts out with a couple of girls who just can't wait for the town's matchmaker to find husbands for them. They are desperate for matches! Then, throughout the song, they realize that they want a good guy, someone that they can trust and depend on. They get scared that leaving their matches up to fate will get them in bad situations.

By the end of the song they realize that "Playing with matches a girl can get burned" and suddenly their new goal is to find matchless matches. Safe, reliable men.

I love this! Besides, didn't our parents always teach us not to play with matches?

FYI, my favorite line is "You've heard he has a temper, he'll beat you every night! But only when he's sober... so you're alright!"

You're so vain... you probably think this blog is about you.

How others react to your divorce

Telling family and friends that I was divorcing was a very interesting experience. Some of them reacted in a way that left me feeling disappointed. I don't know what I expected. More questions? More 'and how are you doing?' More kindred connections?

It wasn't their fault, though. No one, especially those who haven't been through one, really knows how to respond to the news of a divorce. And that is something that you just have to remember when going through a divorce. People don't know what to say, they don't know how to talk about it or react. And that just is what it is. They probably felt like a deer in the headlights.

But... DON'T RESPOND LIKE RAYMOND DOES IN THIS CLIP.

Awkward.

Is Pro Se O-Kay?

I met someone this weekend who was a major supporter of going Pro Se. What is Pro Se? Check out my past post to find out : Click here.

I always suggest that people not go Pro Se, but I met this guy who told me very strongly that I should go Pro Se. That he wasted all this money on a lawyer, and that he saved a lot of money by firing his lawyer and just doing it himself. He said he used the online help and figured it out. Granted, because of his job he has a pretty good background in legal matters (he isn't a lawyer, but he isn't a stranger to the court, either.)

He felt so strongly about it, and that surprised me. Because I am the opposite. I never suggest that someone try to do their divorce without a lawyer unless they don't have any other options. Even then, I suggest that they try legal aid or something similar.

So, I thought I'd ask you. What do you think of people going pro se?

Put your thoughts in the comments.