Divorce Tip: Use your BCC

Today's tip is brought to you by the letters "BCC."

Three words: Blind. Carbon. Copy.

When you send an email to anyone important in your divorce proceedings, put your own address in the BCC spot. That way you have yet another copy of the e-mail, you see how it went through, it gives another confirmation that it sent.

Your ex, your lawyer, any third party or specialist.

I frequently talk about documentation. This is yet another way to make sure you always have proof. And also, if you send e-mails from different computers, they don't always share what you sent from each computer. You might not be able to see on one computer what you sent on another. This depends on your settings, if you are logged into the website or through your home interface.

B-C-C

How To announce that you are getting a divorce Part B

In my last post I went over planning out some different explanations of your divorce depending on who you are telling. For this next part I am going to give you some tips for the actual telling part.

1. Be sensitive.

You never know what the person you are telling is thinking. They may be having a hard time in their marriage, they may never have been exposed to divorce, who knows. Especially if they are having a rough marriage, the last thing they want to hear is how awesome your divorce is. Or maybe they were a child of divorced parents and they are very somber about the subject.

Divorce is inherently sad, even when necessary. Don't go off on some pro-divorce, anti-marriage kick. Whether or not you mean to, putting all marriage in a bad light is never good.


2. Be serious about it.

Getting divorced is a serious decision. You may be at the point where you have to laugh about it or else you'll cry, but everyone else is just finding out about it. If you go to them laughing, they may think you aren't taking it seriously. Even if that's true.


3. Don't feel like you HAVE to tell someone something just because they ask.

Some people may feel entitled to information. They are not. On that same note, this news will be jarring for some of your closer peeps. Be aware that they are going to need your help to make sense of it all.

4. Don't bad mouth your Ex.

Don't bad mouth your Ex. Note: telling the truth and bad mouthing are not the same thing. You can tell the truth and not call your ex names or put them down or whatever. Telling the truth= honest. Bad Mouthing = poor manners. Note: You may need to be careful what all you say for legal reasons.

How to announce that you are getting a divorce Part A

How do you tell someone that you are getting a divorce?  Your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, church friends, facebook peeps. At some point the subject of your divorce is going to come up with them.

Think about what you want to tell different people and have multiple answers prepared of different information levels.

• For some people, like your facebook peeps, you might not want to tell them very much. For example:

My husband and I are getting a divorce. Sometimes life goes unplanned, and you just have to deal with the crap that comes your way. Thanks for all of you who have voiced your concern and support for me and my family.

• Your Neighbors might get a little bit more information.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. As you probably know there was an odd vehicle in our driveway last weekend, and well I guess he was cheating on me. So, it is what it is. Thanks for the casserole.

• Co-workers and Church friends might get even more info.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. Apparently he was running around with another woman from out of town. He's decided to run away with her and leave me. We're dealing with it, and thank you for your prayers.

• Friends are told a lot more.

I came home one day to find a good-bye note from him. He'd been seeing her for years. He'd always come home with weird gifts and explanations of where he'd been. And then I met her, she was literally green with envy or something. She doesn't speak very much English, and so we weren't able to say much. Then she whisked him away. I won't ever see him again. I suppose that's a good thing. Oh, and thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder.

• Maybe you tell your family everything.

He ran away with a space alien! She had green skin and spoke some gobildeegook. She flew her spaceship to our house and then they flew away to her planet. I should have known when he kept bringing home meteors and things like that. How could I not have seen this?! 

You don't have to tell everyone everything. But you want to think ahead of time about what you will say.

Next post will be part B, a continuation of "How to announce that you are getting a divorce"

The Step Parent

Step parenting is a serious science. And some people are good scientists, and some are . . . not.

My ex is remarried. And at first I was extremely excited about him marrying her. I had hoped that she would be an extra level of protection for my kid. In fact, I really pushed her relationship with my daughter. I saw the soon to be step mom as an opportunity for added safety.

It soon became apparent, however, that the Step Mom does not have my daughter's best interest in mind. Everything she does seems to be in an attempt to punish me.

Which is really too bad. Step parents have an awesome opportunity to be a force for good, an example.

I do feel bad for her. I've been married to my ex, I know the emotional toll that his actions (whether or not she knows about them) must be having on her. She is in a bad place, and understandably. I also know some other issues that she is dealing with that must be very very hard on her. And some of them I have also been through, but of course we haven't had any buddy buddy talks about them.

But.

Rolling your eyes at the bio-parent, grabbing the kid and literally running away while the bio-parent keeps asking you to stop, back talking, trying to literally change the kid in every way imaginable whenever she is on a visit, etc. etc. etc. are all bad things to do!

If you are a Step Parent, please heed my words. You have this chance to be in a kids life and hopefully do some good. I know some step parents who basically walked in to the situation and saved the day. They are the heroes of the story! These are people that have brought so much love into an awful situation. I also know some step parents who basically walked in to the situation and made everything worse.

It is hard to walk in to an existing chaos and try to deal with it. It is hard to enter into what is basically someone else's family and try to blend in. I have a basic level of respect for anyone who even tries these things. It is a great responsibility.

Please just do your best to handle this responsibility well.

I really do pray that my ex's wife can find some peace in her situation, to move past all of this crud. I just don't think she's really thought anything through.

What to Wear to Court

When you have a court date you want to look nice and like you actually care. I'm not a judge or Commissioner, but whenever I am at the court house I can't help but inwardly groan at the people who come to court in their ratty jeans and a t-shirt.

If that is all you have, then I know that puts you in a tough spot. However, if  you are able to, just look nice. For guys, it's a suit. Wear a tie. Maybe you could get away without an actual suit, but just a button up shirt and nice pants. But I would be very wary of that. Ask your lawyer.

For girls, wear a skirt or dress pants. have on a nice shirt.

You get the picture. You aren't going to the prom here or anything, but you at least need to look like you care.

Remember that in any situation your appearance is the first thing that people notice. And, right or wrong, they judge you based on that first impression. Make sure you look presentable.

As always, ask your lawyer.

It Only Takes One To Mess It Up

When I was first telling people that I was getting divorced, I got a whole range of reactions.

• Some people immediately guessed what part of the problem was. And they were amazingly right. 

• Some people responded awkwardly, not knowing what to say. I don't blame them.

• Some people who knew my situation congratulated me. Which is also awkward but I appreciated their understanding.

• Some people chastised me. And this is what I am going to talk about today. 

I had lots of people respond with something like this:

"Oh, Hunny, it takes two to keep a marriage successful." 

Or something like:

"Marriage is hard. You need to work through it."

I would just clear my throat awkwardly and, without telling all of the details of the divorce to this person who obviously knew nothing about it anyway, tell them that the situation had become dangerous, and I didn't have a choice.

Because, yes, it definitely takes 2 to keep a marriage successful. That is so true! 

But it only takes one to mess it up. This is also true. And you can't expect someone to stay in a dangerous situation just for the sake of not getting a divorce.