Divorce: Step 2

                                             Divorce: Step 2

If you haven't read my Divorce: Step 1 post, check it out here .

At the same time I was doing that step 1, I was researching Lawyers.

My steps to finding a -hopefully- good lawyer:

1) Ask around for recommendations.

• Divorced Friends that you trust
• Divorced Associates that you trust
• Divorced People at work that you trust
• Divorced Family members that you trust.
• People in the "legal world" that you are friends with and trust.

Notice that I kept saying "That you trust." If you don't want someone to spread the word that you are looking for a divorce, then don't ask someone that will go around spreading the word.

2) Look at your local Bar website (Not that bar, the Bar association. Silly.) Sometimes the Bar has a search engine where you can search for a specific type of lawyer.

3) If your case has a specific issue that you want a lawyer to have had experience with, call the experts in that field to ask them for recommendations. Maybe there is a lawyer who has the perfect background to handle your case?

4) When you have no other resources, do a good ol' internet search.

5) Once you have a lawyer or two or five in mind, look up the online reviews for that person. Keep in mind that a lot of people don't review something online unless they are mad. On the flip side, lots of companies, lawyers included, will ask their best customers to review them. Whatever the case is, reading reviews will give you a basic idea of that lawyer. Hopefully.

6) Compile a list of these lawyers (if you have more than 1 you are interested in), including their address, phone numbers, and any notes you have on them.

Note: I have always had a lawyer, and it has benefited me immensely. However, there are also legal aid options and pro bono options sometimes that you may find worth your time. These wouldn't work for my case, but they may work for your case.

Next time, Step 3!

Divorce: Step 1

                                              Divorce: Step1

The first thing I did after deciding to get a divorce was write down my "story." I also made sure I was keeping logs of everything going on.

Why write down your story? It feels like you will always remember everything about the time leading up to the divorce, but you'll be surprised at what you will quickly forget. 

But I didn't just write down my whole story, I wrote down the most important parts of the story that applied to 1) why I was getting a divorce, 2) things that might affect child custody and visitation, and 3) anything else you think might affect the court case.

I thought of this as my statement. I could take it to meet with and interview lawyers so that I could reference it, etc.

Again, it feels like you'll never need this. But believe me, you will. When the lawyer asks something like, "Well which came first: his acting out or his purchase of that merchandise?" (totally made up example) But you won't want to have to sit there debating over the timeline of your case. Having your story written out (maybe even put on a timeline) could help.

(Note: At this same time I was researching lawyers, but I will get to that in another post)

When Your Ex Starts Dating

When I first got divorced, I couldn't imagine my Ex dating any time soon. Not that I thought he wouldn't jump right in, but per the reasons of the divorce I was hoping he'd give himself time to figure some things out.

However, that's not really his style. He jumped right in.

I actually ran into him multiple times at Singles events. Which was . . . awkward. I mean, REALLY awkward. Especially because we have a bunch of the same friends, so we saw a lot of each other.

Nothing kills the mood at a singles event when you're hanging out with your Ex husband who was at the time trying to drag you to court any chance he got.

A couple of times I ran into him while he was on dates. Seeing him with another woman wasn't weird, though. I felt like I'd moved on already, so seeing him with someone else didn't really phase me. The awkwardness came from just being at singles events with him.

The other thing is that it makes you think about your own relationship status. Or lack there of. Which is not fun.

So how do you deal with that? How do you deal with the weird, awkward feelings of your Ex dating?

Personally, I just thought about all the reasons for the divorce. I thought about how I was treated, how I am still treated, and everything else. And all of a sudden it didn't matter that I was running into him in awkward places. Because what his relationship status was didn't apply to me. In fact, I have a court document saying that it DOESN'T APPLY TO ME. I'd moved on anyway, and life isn't a race.

Besides, some people have this incredible need to be in a relationship. It is unhealthy, and doesn't reflect on anything with you.

What are your thoughts?

When Divorced, when should you start dating?

Ah, the age-old re-occurring question:

"I'm getting divorced. When should I start dating?"

Some people mean this question in a "I am so excited to be moving on with my life, so when is the first possible moment I can put myself out there again" and some people mean this question in a "I am so traumatized from my marriage that I want to know the last possible moment that it seems acceptable for me to still not be putting myself out there again."

Did that rambling make sense? I hope so.

The problem with this question is that everyone has an a different opinion. Depending on who you ask, the answer will change drastically.

However, for me, it comes down to this:

1. Wait until the divorce is final. Judge signed, waiting period over FINAL.

For me, Dating while you are married at all is a no-go. Not only from a religious standpoint, but as a woman I don't want my guy legally attached to someone else. Not only is that creepy and disturbing, but generally we refer to that as cheating.

I don't want a guy that is ok with that in any degree, and I don't want a guy to think that I am ok with that to any degree.

2. Once the divorce is final, go with your gut.

Only you can know when you are ready to jump back into the dating scene. But it's OK to start slow. After all, it's weird to suddenly be in the singles scene again. But that is a post for another time.


What do you think? When is it OK to start dating?

If I marry a Divorced Man

I've said it before and I'll say it again: A person's true character comes out during a divorce.

The best and the worst of someone can be seen on the battlefields of the court room, the parental visitation pick-up sites, and -forbid- social media.

I know men that basically still take care of their Ex. They make sure that their family, married or not, is taken care of. The kids have fun stuff, the lawn stays mowed, the kids take part in extracurricular activities even if they fall on the statute Wednesday. Some of them even take vacations with their ex and share the holliday table. They have both gotten remarried, and still they keep the family together.

I did not get an EX like that.

However, I think it says a great deal about someone who keeps up on their responsibilities like that.

Of course I think it depends on your situation. I wouldn't blame my friend whose wife cheated on him if he didn't want to take her on vacations.

Yeah . . .

But, I think a lot about a person can be shown by how they go through a divorce.

If I were to date a divorced person seriously, I would insist on reading the paperwork.

Do you tell the new wife?

I witnessed a conversation the other day where a gal was asking if she needed to tell her ex's fiance about his abusive behavior and addiction.

What a touchy subject!!!!! On the one hand, you feel bad not telling the new wife about what you went through because if it were you, you'd want to know. On the other hand, is it your place?

Oh the conflict.

When I found myself in a similar situation, I knew that my ex would have a fit if I approached his fiance and told her . . . anything. He would have flipped.

But, at the same time, I would want to know if it was me.

So what did I do? I simply let her know that I was available to talk. Because, for me, it wasn't worth the backlash my kid and I would get from Ex if I had done any more than that. But that way she knew that I was open to discussing things if she had brought it up.

How about you? Did you talk to your Ex's fiance? (Or your fiance's ex?)

Remember to get separate receipts!

Lots of final divorce agreements -probably most if not all if I am guessing- say that both parties have to split medical costs. Including dental/vision, etc. 

Personally, my privacy is hugely important to me! I don't really want my ex to see what I paid for at the eye doctor. He doesn't need to know how much my new glasses cost. 

Because of this, I always have the office separate the receipts. One for my  kid, one for me. That way I can simply send my ex the receipt for my kid and not worry about him seeing my personal medical business.

Do you care about this? What do you do?

Keep a list of your Ex's information on your phone.

My tip of the day:

Keep a list of your ex's information on your phone.

You never know when you might need their information in a pinch and you don't have time to go home and get it. I have a file on my phone that has the following information on my ex:

-Name (though you should just remember this one)
-Birthdate (you probably remember this one too)
-Address (It's amazing how easily it is to forget the exact house number)
-License Plate Number
-Color, Make, and Model of their car
- Emergency contact numbers (their spouse, parents, siblings, etc.)
- Work Contact Information


I also have some other information that pertains specifically to my case or what I might need. Only you can know what that information is.


Do you have other information you make sure to have on hand?

Way to remind me that I'm single!

Guess what! I've been invited to this big 'ol party and I'm super excited!

So I log into facebook to RSVP (because EVERYTHING is on facebook these days. I mean really. Could a party invite be any less classy than if it is on facebook?).

These are the options:

A: I am coming and bringing my spouse/significant other

B: I cannot come/ I don't want to come

C: I am coming by myself

D: I don't know if I am coming.



First off . . . sigh. YES, letter C. I am coming BY MYSELF! All by my lonesome, and thanks for reminding me.

Second off . . . why is this option C? Am I, as a loner, below option B? The people not coming or who don't want to come? Really?!

Now, I jest. Sort of. I get why they ask it like this and so would I. They want to know how many people to plan for. So, I get it.

But talk about the ultimate set up! Yay: you are invited to a party! And then the let down: And you get to tell everyone that you're coming alone.  Woohoo!

However then I think about the fact that it may be a good thing to let everyone know that I am coming alone. It's the easy way of saying, Hey! If we hit it off at this party, feel free to get my number! I'm alone and available!

Maybe I've been looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I need to print out t-shirts that say: "Are you Option C, male, have any semblance of morality, and financially stable? Call me!"

Or . . .

Maybe I need to organize the Option C after party. Yeah . . .! Option A: you are not invited.

I guess it is all how you look at it. :)

A letter to lawyers and their clients

Dear Attorneys and Attorneys' Clients alike,

A while back, my Attorney and I were at a stand-off. I was telling him what I wanted to ask the court and my ex for, and he was telling me that the things I was asking for were unlikely to happen.

Note: he wasn't saying that my requests were wrong, just that in his experience unlikely.

This lawyer is relatively new to my case, and I tried to explain to him my relationship with my Ex, the history of my case and why the things I was asking for would probably happen. That I wasn't just pulling these requests out of a hat, I had precedence and good reason to ask for them.

My lawyer agreed to ask for my requests, but basically he was advising me that I wouldn't get what I was asking for.

I was frustrated, and worried. It isn't easy to do something on your own like that, solely relying on your own knowledge of your case.

A couple weeks later, my Ex had agreed to each one of my requests, and I had agreed to his.

I think my lawyer went into shock.

But here's the thing. My lawyer has a load of knowledge that I need and don't have. He has a law degree, knowledge of the workings in the court, etc. I need him! But I also have a load of knowledge that my lawyer needs. I could tell what my Ex was looking for, and what had happened to make me ask for these things. I can tell the state of my case and how my ex feels about things usually a lot better than any of my lawyers ever have been able to. I am living my case, they aren't. It's as simple as that.

I'm not suggesting that I should always just go out on my own like that. Many times I have ditched what I wanted and gone with my lawyer's suggestion. And even if my lawyer disagrees with me, I need to know that. I need to walk into the court room having been well advised.

And, it could have easily gone the way my lawyer had thought it would. You really never know, do you?

The point is, lawyer and client need each other. You both have an expertise that the other doesn't. And that is important to your case.

Your Friend,

Dee

"Classic Groom" for sale?

Found this at Wally-world! I've been going about this the wrong way, man! I had no idea it was this easy to get a "classic groom." 2 bucks in the clearance section AND he comes with a tux!

Do you love Daddy still?

So, my kid asks me the other day, "Do you love Daddy still?"

Oh my heck. How do I answer this after years of divorce and pain and hurt? If I tell kid flat out no, It might hurt kid's feelings. If I tell kid yes, I'd be lying.  So . . .

I just sat there awkwardly for a moment. Which is fine. I'd rather take a second to think about what I'm saying than to say the wrong thing in a moment of haste.

And then, although I was hoping my kid might have forgotten the question, kid was still waiting for an answer.

So what did I do?

I told kid that Daddy was my friend for a long time before we were married, and as a friend I hoped the best for him. That I did not love him like a wife, but that I loved him like I loved everyone in the world: in a Christ like way. That I still pray for him.

I hate questions like that. I always pray that I say the right thing.

Have you had to answer a similar question? What did you say?

Pause, Think

So there I was, looking at my ex and his wife. They had come to pick up my kid for a visit, and they were standing in my living room.

Kid gets all excited about something Kid is finally big enough to do and tells them about it. The excitement fills up the room.

Ex's wife freaks out because she doesn't approve of what kid is telling them.

I try to diffuse the conversation by reminding Ex's wife that Kid is getting older, and is at the recommended age.

Ex's wife freaks out some more. Snapping at me, saying that the kid is not big enough yet. she starts rolling her eyes at my answers, and the attitude comes out.

My ex just patted her on the shoulder, not caring to say anything but obviously recognizing that the way she was acting wasn't good at all.

I pause. This conversation could go one of three ways.

1) I snap back at her and everything escalates.

2) I don't say anything and then my kid is left thinking about what the Ex's wife said and wondering if it is true.

3) I take a deep breath, put as nice a smile on  my face as I could muster, and set the record straight.


Which one do you think I did?

Yup, number 3!

So I smiled and said that we've been waiting until kid was old enough and big enough, and that it is totally safe because Kid reaches all of the recommendations.

Ex's wife snaps back, apparently knowing better, and rolls her eyes some more.

I pause. This conversation could go one of three ways.

1) I throw her out of my house for fighting with me like this in front of my kid.

2) I don't respond, just smile nicely.

3) I smile nicely and tell her that if she can't be nice then she doesn't have to be a part of pick ups.


Which one do you think I did?

Yup, number 3!


Basically, I said that we are following the recommendations, and that we made sure that Kid was well within the government's recommendations before taking this next step. Then the Ex's wife was told that if she can't be civil, she doesn't have to be a part of pick up time.

She didn't like being told that, but... maybe she should have paused and thought about what she was going to say next.

Pause. Think.

Because sometimes I do decide that silence is the best answer. And sometimes I need that pause so I don't react the same way that my Ex and his wife
are acting. And, when something does need to be said? That pause helps me to say it calmly and nicely.

Pause. Think.

And don't roll your eyes.