Men don't grow on trees

Well, that's pretty much all I have to say about this. It's true, right? How nice would it be if you could just go to the Man-Orchard and pick out a nice Gentleman with all the qualities that you want? "Excuse me, Mr. Farmer? I would like to completely skip the Creeper and Sleaze trees and go straight to the Gentlemen."

A-ha! I think that is what I should say:

And my goodness, then try to find a good guy who is hard working, church going, and honest. 

Phew! That's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

So, what I am really trying to say is that:

Now, they may not grow on trees, but they are out there. There are good men. Hardworking, Church Going, Honest, Gentlemanly Men.

So, what is my point? Don't Settle! Don't settle for the sleaze and creeper trees. Keep going till you find the better part of the orchard. Or something like that...

Final Divorce Agreement 5 : Contact Information

It's time for another installment in my Final Divorce Agreement Series!

Why am I doing this, you ask? Because it is a stressful, hard time when you are trying to come up with and agree on a final stipulation. I remember when I was at that point in my divorce proceedings and I was doing as much research as I could on the subject. I was bing-ing and google-ing and asking other divorced people for advice. I talked to my lawyer, I prayed, I made lists, etc.

I would have loved to come across some divorced blogger's experience for another example.


Today I am going to talk about something that is VERY important, and yet a very small section of my final stipulation: the CONTACT INFORMATION clause.

(Remember, I am not a lawyer or professional of any kind. This is purely based on my own experiences and should not be taken as advice for your own situation. Talk to your own lawyer for personal advice)

Why have a contact information clause? Because if you have kids then you want to be able to make that contact.

My clause specifies that a current physical address, phone number, and e-mail address are a part of this.

This is pretty basic stuff, but I think it is very important and something you may not have thought about.

Note: I am going to talk later about other advisory guidelines and things that you can include in your final agreements that may or may not take care of some of these issues I am talking about. But, with whatever we did or did not include, we decided to keep our own contact information clause.


For past "Final Divorce Agreement" posts, see the below links!


Final Divorce Agreement 4: Arrearage

Final Divorce Agreement 3: Transportation

Final Divorce Agreement 2: Life Insurance

Final Divorce Agreement 1: Always Reread the Document

The secret no one told you about divorce

It seems that many people are under the impression that getting a divorce will solve all your problems. That if you just weren't married to that person, all would be well.

WRONG!

That's totally wrong. Of course divorce solves some pretty big problems, but sometimes it will make your problems worse.

The true test of a man or woman comes when they go through a divorce. Then you will see their true character.

Wow, that should be a meme!

Drum roll...

This is so true. Some people are really respectful, realistic, and nice in a divorce. I know a couple of guys who treat their ex wives with such amazing class! If I ever marry a divorced man, I hope he will have treated his ex in a kind way. I don't mean ignoring red flags, but you can take someone to court over some pretty heinous actions and simultaneously be nice. It can be done.

On the flip side, If your spouse is prone to causing problems, he or she may continue to do so after the divorce. Especially if you have kids. In my case, things got exponentially worse. It was like he was pulling the gloves off and no holds barred. The divorce led to him lashing out at me even more.

And now his favorite fighting place isn't at home, it's at the court house. 

At the same time, I am in a safer place. My family is still dealing with it, but it is better over all.

But for some people, the divorce can put them in a more dangerous place. If this is you, and your spouse would literally attack you, please get help from the police or from the women's shelter or something. Did you know that in the US you can request to have a police man come and be present during something? 

Also, divorce will not make your personal issues go away. You will still be mourning the divorce, you will still be dealing with the crap you experienced in your marriage if that is the case, and if there was trauma then you will still be healing.

In my case, I still had to deal with the crap and trauma. That didn't just go away. I still felt rejected, I still felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I still felt all the betrayal, and I still felt all of the other craptastic things our family had to go through. 

The divorce did help me to heal from the trauma because it put me in a better place to heal. Oh, I still get the same treatment if not worse from him, but now I just think, "Whatever, Ex."

What he says is still awful, no one should be treated like that. But I have grown to let it roll off.

So, the secret no one told you about divorce? It helps somethings, but not all. 

Divorce will not erase the trauma, it won't erase the crap, and it won't erase the pain of getting a divorce. You will still need to take steps to get you through to a healthy place.

And, if you are on the other side, please accept the consequences of your actions and use this opportunity to get any help that may be needed. 

So, get ya'all to a healthy place, you hear? Don't expect Divorce to do it for you. It doesn't work like that.

Congrats, you're . . . divorced?

The other day, a friend of mine told us that her divorce was final. We all congratulated her.

Which kills me.

Yes, kills me. Because it feels so contrary to how it should be. And do you know why it feels like that? Because it is. Ideally, no one would have to get divorced.

Notice I said "have to" instead of just "no one would get divorced." Because unfortunately, a lot of us find ourselves in crappy situations, dealing with dangerous stuff.

Now, I run a blog completely on dealing with your divorce. If you are here, I am assuming that you are going through a divorce process or situation yourself. My words of advice are thus: Do NOT apply your situation to everyone else. And do not make "divorce" a casual word in your life.

Even when divorce is necessary, it is still sad. So, yes. I will congratulate my friend who got herself out of an abusive situation and is now able to move on with her life to at least a small degree. But I will also morn for her and the heartache that is divorce.

Divorce should not be taken lightly, nor should the discussion of it.

At the same time, getting to a safe place from a dangerous one is something worth celebrating.

Just be real about it. Just because Divorce was the right choice for you doesn't mean that Divorce itself is a happy thing. Now, being safe? That is a happy thing.

And there lies the difference. In reality, when I congratulate someone on their divorce, I am really congratulating them on getting to a safer place.

"Valentine's Day? Really?"

Haha! I love Disgust!

Memories and pictures that make you sad, happy, or barf

So, I found an old sim-card full of pictures from before the divorce.  WAY before the divorce. WAY before I even started to have an inkling of all the problems we had.

Some of the pictures made me laugh. Things that I had done in college for class, I found a picture of a fake butler that I dressed up for a holiday once. It was one of those pop up card board characters that I put a white shirt and tie on. Haha!

Some of the pictures made me sad. Like, seeing a picture of the clock we got for a wedding present. Someone that loved us took the time to make us a clock with our picture in the middle. How cool is that? And unless my Ex kept it, that clock is long gone. I hope he didn't keep it. That would definitely be creepy . . .

And then I came across a picture of us kissing. And I wanted to barf.  Because you can only take so many YEARS of crap and trauma from someone.

But, I think having this range of reaction to memories is pretty common. Especially when your experiences with someone are so varied. It's like a roller coaster.

Do you find the same thing with pictures?

Remember to take a deep breath!

Today's post is to remind you to take a deep breath. When your ex picks a fight, when the court doesn't listen, when everything just seems so crazy . . .

Take a deep breath. Think before you speak. Stay calm.

Flying off the handle, saying mean things back, and sometimes even just speaking your mind can get you into trouble.

Stay professional, and that is how you will be viewed. You want to be known as someone with a level head.

I cringe every time I hear someone say that they finally let their ex know what is on their mind.

Ugh. Because don't doubt for a second that your ex will use that next time you are in court, even just as a character reference.

Just stay calm. And think, "Is this reaction worth it in the long run/"

Just my two sense from my personal experiences. I don't know, maybe you've found something different?