How others react to your divorce

Telling family and friends that I was divorcing was a very interesting experience. Some of them reacted in a way that left me feeling disappointed. I don't know what I expected. More questions? More 'and how are you doing?' More kindred connections?

It wasn't their fault, though. No one, especially those who haven't been through one, really knows how to respond to the news of a divorce. And that is something that you just have to remember when going through a divorce. People don't know what to say, they don't know how to talk about it or react. And that just is what it is. They probably felt like a deer in the headlights.

But... DON'T RESPOND LIKE RAYMOND DOES IN THIS CLIP.

Awkward.

Is Pro Se O-Kay?

I met someone this weekend who was a major supporter of going Pro Se. What is Pro Se? Check out my past post to find out : Click here.

I always suggest that people not go Pro Se, but I met this guy who told me very strongly that I should go Pro Se. That he wasted all this money on a lawyer, and that he saved a lot of money by firing his lawyer and just doing it himself. He said he used the online help and figured it out. Granted, because of his job he has a pretty good background in legal matters (he isn't a lawyer, but he isn't a stranger to the court, either.)

He felt so strongly about it, and that surprised me. Because I am the opposite. I never suggest that someone try to do their divorce without a lawyer unless they don't have any other options. Even then, I suggest that they try legal aid or something similar.

So, I thought I'd ask you. What do you think of people going pro se?

Put your thoughts in the comments.

It's normal to have to sort out your emotions

"I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally." 

- Lucille Ball

Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/search_results.html?q=divorce


Divorce is a hard thing. Don't expect to walk away unscathed. It is normal to have to sort out your emotions.

Final Divorce Agreement 9: Child Support

(Remember I am not a lawyer or professional of any kind. These are purely my thoughts on my own personal experiences.)


Child support: one of the most debated subjects of all time. At least among those who are divorced. It is not uncommon to hear one parent say, "He pays almost nothing in child support!" And then to have the other parent say, "I pay her way too much in child support."

So, who is right?

Here's the thing, and I touched bases on this in my Taxes post (see list of past divorce agreement posts below), but it takes a lot more to raise a kid than people usually think.

Of course there are the obvious expenses: Place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear.

Then there are the other expenses that you may not have thought of. Like hygienic products. Your kids have to have toothpaste, soap, shampoo, deodorant, that time of the month products for girls (which adds up super quick) . The house then has to be clean, so you are always buying cleaners, detergents, etc. The kid will add to the utility bills (maybe not a lot, but as you can see, this list is adding up). There will be school fees, not to mention other activities they may get involved in. Like soccer or ballet. Forbid your kid gets really good at something and they get the chance to go to finals or on a tour or something similar. Money, Money, Money. Do you ever buy them a treat? Or toys? Do you ever go someplace fun with them? One trip to the movies and your wallet is toast.

Throughout a child's life they will need diapers, car seats, stools to reach the sink, bedding, sunblock, hair ties, car insurance.

The list goes on and on.

And we aren't even talking about medical bills in this post.

Now, some of this should be covered by child support, and some of it isn't. Like, my final agreement has separate clauses for medical, dental, eye care, child care expenses, etc. And then I have a clause that simply says that my ex will continue to pay me child support. I tried to get a clause in there about my ex having to pay for half of all expenses. Like expenses that would incur at school, but it didn't make it into the final agreement.

This is a tricky subject to blog about, as with all things go ask your lawyer about it. I would ask him what is covered in child support and what is not. That way I would know what else I needed to put in my final agreement.

In my state there is a simple to use calculation and online form to determine child support. You put in each parent's income and then it spits out a number to pay in child support. If you aren't working, they will impute minimum wage to you at full time work to do the calculation. Of course the court can change whatever it wants to.

I was told that Child support is not taxable income. That money is to re-imburse you for taking care of the child. That money is the child's, not yours. I'm not saying that when the payment check comes in you should hand it over to your kid, I'm saying that you use that money to take care of your children.



For Past Final Divorce Agreement Posts, read:

Final Divorce Agreement 8: Debts

Final Divorce Agreement 7: Who claims the kids on the taxes?

Final Divorce Agreement 6: If you don't include it, it won't matter

Final Divorce Agreement 5: Contact Information

Final Divorce Agreement 4: Arrearage

Final Divorce Agreement 3: Transportation

Final Divorce Agreement 2: Life Insurance

Final Divorce Agreement 1: Always Reread the Document

How long will my divorce take? A divorce time line.

The question is: How long will my divorce take?

or

How long until my divorce is final?

The short answer: forever and a day.

Just kidding. Kind of.  It was just a couple or maybe three months between first meeting with a lawyer and our first court date. In total it was about 7 months until the divorce was final. BUT that is very fast. 7 months is nothing in terms of divorce time. It only went that fast for me because we did a bifurcated divorce. Follow the link to another post I did about my bifurcated divorce.

Then it took just under three years to get to a judge signed final order.

Then... it is never over. Especially when you have an ex that likes to fight about everything. I am in and out of court all the time.

Something to remember, though, is that my case is very toxic. So we had testing and evaluations that we had to wait for. So, if you and your spouse are in agreement over everything and there aren't any extenuating circumstances, then your will probably go faster.

This is just my experience.

Requesting docs from the court

Did you know that you can request documents from the court?

Chances are you'll have to pay for them, especially if they are from past court hearings.

Why would you want to do this?

-To know what exactly was submited
-If you are just wanting copies and don't want to pay your lawyer to get them.

Good lawyers versus bad lawyers

Ugh. my ex has a BAD lawyer. The kind of guy that causes more trouble than he helps figure out. Obviously only interested in making money. This is not the first lawyer that my ex has had, and it seems like every lawyer he has had is slimy or just awful in some way.

"But Dee," you are thinking, "You only say that because it's your Ex's lawyer!"

No. The first lawyer my ex had was so slimy. At one point, in the court room, he was insinuating that I had a very severe issue. He didn't come right out and say it, but he made it sound like I had this personal problem.

Luckily the Commissioner caught it and asked him straight out, "Are you saying that she has [enter issue here]?"

Ex's lawyer was suddenly backtracking quickly, "Well, uh, well, um... no. No, she doesn't actually have that problem."

Or something like that.

Are you kidding me?!

See, I still get angry over it.

At the same time, one of the best men I have ever known is a lawyer. Good to the core.

My current lawyer is a good guy, too. Respectful, honest, he is precise in figuring out what the issues are.

I'm not saying that any lawyer (or person for that matter) is going to be perfect. They still make mistakes, they can still do stupid things and not be a "bad lawyer." All I'm saying is that if you have a choice, find a good and respectful lawyer.

I have an inkling that the Judges and Commissioners see and remember the good and bad lawyers. I personally don't want the Commissioner to see my lawyer walk in and think, "Oh no, this guy is a problem causer."