Do you need to rehash all the details of your paperwork in court?

The last time I was in the court room, I about had a heart attack because of all the details my lawyer wasn't talking about. All the points he wasn't arguing.

I kept thinking, "We are letting the opportunity to argue these points and make sure that the Commissioner knows the truth pass us by!"

And meanwhile my ex was rehashing every single detail (and untruth) from his paperwork.

But then, in the end, the Commissioner made his decision as if we had argued all our details.

My lawyer told me later that the Commissioner reads all of the paperwork, and so we didn't need to rehash every little detail.

Now, I have also had instances where the Commissioner said that he didn't look at a specific piece of paperwork, so... that was frustrating.

But, I digress. I was told that the Commissioner in general reads the arguments and is prepared before you get there. Not that you shouldn't say any of your points, of course.

But personally I will be keeping this in mind before I have a heart attack.

It is hard because the court literally has your life in their hands and it is natural for you to want to make sure they have all the facts. There really is no easy answer when it comes to court.

What it all comes down to is... talk to your lawyer about it and make sure your paperwork is in order and complete. Plus, when the Commissioner looks back in your case to see what has happened, they will look at your past paperwork.

Final Divorce Agreement 2 : The Life Insurance Policy

(Remember that I am not a lawyer, this is purely from my personal experience. You should check with a lawyer before you act)

My final agreement includes that my ex has to obtain a life insurance policy.

It makes sense, really. If he were to die, then my child wouldn't get any child support from him (however small it is). So the idea of the life insurance is that it would give my child the money in liu of child support.

But you have to do it right. And not just hope it gets done right, you have to put it in the agreement in such a way that you know it will get done in a correct and timely manner.

1) My child is the beneficiary.

This is a given. If the money is for her, it should go to her.

2) I am the trustee.

Sometimes they call the trustee something else, but it all comes down to the same thing. The money is entrusted with you. After all, the beneficiary is a minor.

This is a very very important step. Could you imagine what would happen if I wasn't the trustee? Simply put: I wouldn't want to have to go through someone else to get the money.

3) I put in a clause that will make sure this gets done.

Without going into too much details, we agreed to put in a clause that he would get one of the things he wanted in the agreement only after he correctly secured the insurance.


4) The insurance has to be at least $200,000, kept until my child is 18 years old.


Things I wish I had put in:

1) The court ended up having to specify to my ex that I should be able to have continued access to the policy to make sure that it is kept up and correct. It was a pain, he was fighting it, and I had to get the court to clear this issue up. We were in court for something else, but I brought this up and they clarified.

2) I wish I had put in a clause that spelled out what would happen if the policy was ever neglected or incorrect. Something that would stop us from having to go back to court in the case that that happened.

How to document texts

In any kind of court case, it is important that you fully document any evidence. This can include text messages. 

Sometimes someone will text you something that might be used in court, or sometimes you may want to just document any communication you have with someone to protect yourself.

My first attorney told me to literally take pictures of the text. I literally just snap a photo of my phone and the text on it, like in the picture above only there would be a text there. (note: this is not a picture of my phone, but a picture of a phone). 

And then I also keep a copied log of all texts and emails together in a timeline of how I received them.

I have submitted text messages with key information on them as evidence and they helped my case. Though, a note to you, ask your attorney if you need to submit the whole conversation. I had submitted text messages that could stand by themselves, but the court wanted to see both sides. This makes it hard when someone sends you a text and that is the extent of the conversation. That is part of why I log text messages in chronological order, too. 

I wish I didn't have to be so thorough in logging. But when you are dealing with people who have no problem lying, then you have to document things just to protect yourself, to be able to show the truth about how simple events happened.

Remember, I am not an attorney. Ask your attorney about this.

Final Divorce Agreement 1 : Always reread the document

Trying to come up with a final divorce agreement is like trying to catch a trout with your bare hands.

Frustrating, seemingly impossible, and sometimes fishy.

There are so many parts to a final agreement, that we will probably never finish talking about the subject. But we can definitely start. Remember that I am not a professional of any kind, but this is from my personal experience.

A final Agreement (aka Stipulation) is the paperwork that the parties come up with together to be their governing paperwork. It discusses things like custody, what expenses the parents share, how the parties are splitting up the assets, and other important issues.

Today we are going to talk about the fishy part of divorce agreements. Or, hopefully, the lack thereof.

Whenever you are sending any paperwork back and forth, from party to party, ALWAYS READ THROUGH IT AGAIN. I have had a couple of friends who later went back to check on something in the agreement and realized that their ex had slipped something in without them knowing it. And now, because they signed the agreement, they have to live by it.

Always read through what you sign.

Documents can be edited and retyped. Words can be added and redacted.

Have a list of things that are important for you, that are your must haves and have a list of things that your ex wants but that you don't want. Compare the paperwork with each step to make sure that the things you want that are supposed to be in the paperwork are still there, and that your ex hasn't added anything that shouldn't be in there.

See, at least in my case, one of us came up with an initial agreement. Then we sent it  back and forth. When I would send it to him, he would send it back with what he would agree to. Then I would look at his changes and send him back what I would agree to. It's called Negotiating.

And, really, it was much harder than that. There were times that my ex refused to negotiate. If he didn't want it, he just dropped it all together.  Getting to the end of our agreement was like pulling teeth. And it was very expensive and time consuming.

Read through what you sign and compare the document to your lists. It may save you a lot of grief later.

I will write more about Final Divorce Agreements in upcoming posts.

SHHHHHHH! You are being recorded!

SHHHHHHHHHH!

Quiet! When you are in the court room, whisper. And not the theatrical whisper where every single person in the seats behind you, your ex across the way, and the judge can hear you.

Plus, you are being recorded.

I repeat: YOU ARE BEING RECORDED!!!!!!!!!

The funniest -or not funny at all really - thing is when you get a copy of the recording and you hear something that one of the parties meant solely for their lawyer.

Oh, we all do it. We all whisper to our lawyers at some point, whether there is something that you feel is important for your lawyer to know or they ask you a question.

But unless you want everyone to know what you are saying, whisper quietly.

We will talk later about getting a copy of the recording and about talking to your lawyer in the court room.

Think about the kids

This scene from hope floats always has me reacting the same way. First, I get mad. How dare the best friend and husband have an affair! And then I tear up the moment I see the little girl crying in the audience. 

The whole, horrific scene goes by, Bullock's character gets her heart broken on television, her husband and best friend admit to having an affair, etc. etc. and you don't know until the end that the little girl has been sitting there the whole time.

Your kids are smart. They pick up on more than you think they do. Think before you speak, before you let them have a seat in an audience they shouldn't be in. They'll see enough as it is. 

I am always shocked at some of the things my ex and his wife do or say in front of my kid. Even just the things that I see. And then I'll get comments about what was seen later because kids notice things, and it doesn't always go over their heads.

I'm sure your kids are the same way.

Be aware.

Should have prepared item descriptions for court...

I once saw a Commissioner ask someone to describe an item that the two parties were in disagreement over, and the person kind of hmmed and hawed and in the end gave an answer that only vaguely described it.

I remember thinking to myself, now that I still only had a vague idea of the vehicle they were describing, that they should have come up with a better description before coming to court.

If the item is that important, be able to describe it in detail to someone else. And not in a way that means you have to have a specialized knowledge of that item to understand.

We spend all this time describing conversations, events, happenings between the two parties, and then can't even help the Commissioner by describing an item?

Just keep it in mind.

The Ins and Outs of Mediation Part 2

Last time we talked about mediation in general and how you and your ex fit into it.

Today, in part 2, we are going to talk about . . . drum roll . . . THE MEDIATOR!!!

The mediator really can make or break your mediation session. The mediator leads, conducts, and hopefully enforces the rules in the mediation. But, the success of your mediation could depend greatly on how they go about this.

In every single mediation session I have been to, a couple of things have happened with the mediator:

1) The mediator takes both of us aside at least once, sometimes multiple times, and we talk to him or her separately.

This can be really good, and it can be really bad. Depending on the case and the reasons for why we are there, it can be helpful to have a couple of minutes alone time with the mediator and then a couple of minutes by yourself  while they are with your ex.

My minutes alone with the mediator are generally spent with us discussing how the mediation is going, talking about the case in general, discussing what the mediator thinks of the positions I and my ex are taking, etc.

My minutes alone while the mediator is with my ex are generally spent getting a drink of water, calling my lawyer (or whoever your best support is to run things by them - you will probably find yourself wanting a second opinion, or even just someone else to talk to for a second).

So, you are wondering, why might this all be a bad thing? Sometimes, when the mediator has broken the parties apart, it breaks our mediation apart. And this is one place where you hopefully have a good mediator. I don't know if they mean to, but some mediators make things worse. More about this below.

Though sometimes my ex returns and the discussion is better than before. So, like I said, it can be good as well.

2) If either you or your ex interrupt each other, the mediator will call you out on it. They really don't like if you aren't respectful to each other. So, like I said in part 1, be a good listener in mediation.


Things to remember:

1) The mediator has no deciding power. At least where I live. They can not decide anything in my case. Think of them as a referee that is trying to get you both to play nicely.

2) The Mediator is not Perfect

I have actually, and multiple times, told the mediators to hold on and let my ex and I talk it out for a minute. Which makes me nervous, after all this is still someone with the court. But I have had multiple mediators inject their opinion or help when it is not needed and even anti-helpful. Or, and this bothers me a lot, for some reason the mediator takes your discussion on tangents and wants to focus on things that don't matter as much. Or they want to talk about something that has nothing to do with your case.

Mediation is not a therapy session. It is not a court session. In my opinion, keep to the matters at hand and what is important.

When I think that the mediator is messing with our chances to have a good outcome, I nicely ask them to wait a second while my ex and I hash it out (in the same room of course, don't ask them to leave).

What is really funny is when my ex and I agree that the mediator is messing with our chances of a good outcome. We have both asked the mediator to just wait a minute. Sometimes the thing we need is to just have a moment to work out the details. Sometimes.

I have also had to ask that we get back to the issues at hand.

It's simple, really. I have a vested interest in taking mediation seriously. If the mediator is going off on tangents and trying to make us discuss things that have nothing to do with our case, I try to pull the conversation back to the issues. Whether they are the issues that my ex brought or that I brought, I want to discuss those and not random other topics.

3) Don't give away your rights.

One time I had a mediator try to get my ex and I to agree to something that neither of us wanted and that didn't fit with our case. But the mediator was so intense about it, and so sure that this was a good thing. We didn't agree in the end, and it bothered me that she was pushing something that would not have been good for our case.

The mediators sometimes have good intentions, but they are not always your advocates. They are really just trying to get you guys to get along. They don't know your case like you do, they don't always get it.

And, they are not always right. I have had mediators that said a specific thing would probably happen in the court room should we end up there. Sometimes they are right, sometimes they are wrong. My point is just that Mediators are human. Sometimes they know, sometimes they don't.


4) A good mediator can be amazing.

If you find yourself a good mediator, hold on to them if possible. I have had a couple of mediators that I absolutely loved. They were impartial, but they knew the case and kept all of the history and parts of my case in mind.

If you find a good mediator, hold on to them if you can.

A good mediator is firm, getting you both to be civil and talk it out. A good mediator lets you hash it out yourselves when it is apparent that that is what is happening. A good mediator is nice and gives you helpful information.


5) It is also important to note that sometimes the court mediators are fully aware of your case, and sometimes they are not. Mine is a pretty volatile case with significant back history and important pieces, and yet I have arrived at mediation only to find that the mediators had no idea what my case was about. They handled it like every other case, which won't always work depending on the situation and topics you are disagreeing on.

6) Be nice to the mediator.

Mediators who are nice are so comforting. Be nice back to them. Or, if your mediator isn't nice, be nice anyway.

Also, though my mediators have always said that they don't talk to the judge or commissioner about the mediation, I have to wonder if anything ever gets said behind the scenes, stories get overheard, whatever. Don't alienate anyone at the court. As in all things, handle yourself professionally and nicely. Even the mediators I have had to ask to wait and give us a second while we talk have had good, nice interactions with me. You don't have to see eye to eye to get along.


Other thoughts:

1. Sometimes I feel it appropriate to bring my lawyer to mediation, sometimes I don't. I always could if I wanted to, but I usually don't feel it necessary unless there are just so many pieces to what we are talking about and I want support inside of the mediation. It is nice to have someone else in the mediation to hear what is said and to help come up with the agreement.

2. Instead of a normal mediator, you can also sometimes use family therapists, retired judges, a third party lawyer, etc. These all add an extra level of helpfulness to your case. They have other insight, other qualifications, and can answer some of your questions.

3. If you are in mediation and need a break, don't be afraid to ask for one. You can just get your wiggles out, go to the restroom, make a phone call or two, etc.

4. Don't feel ganged up on. If you are gained up on, do some serious inward soul searching. Have the strength to stand up for what is right when you are right and have the strength to back off when you are wrong.


I am sure that other things will occur to me in the future, and I may decide to write a part 3 at some point.

The Ins and Outs of Mediation Part 1

Mediation. Oh, Mediation. I know thee well.

At least where I live, it is mandatory that parties attend mediation to attempt to work out a parent time dispute  before going before the Commissioner. It has to be a parent time dispute and not other kinds of issues to mandate going to mediation.

Pro: You get another chance to hopefully work things out, ideally with a good mediator.

I have had varying experiences with mediation. Some of my experiences were very good. I have had occasions where I came away from mediation feeling like a lot was accomplished. I have also come away from mediation feeling like someone had wasted my time.

The difference in whether I had a good mediation versus whether I had a bad mediation generally came down to 2 things:

1. The willingness of my ex to communicate and work things out

2. The actions/attitude of the mediator. I'll talk about this one in a future posting "The ins and outs of Mediation Part 2"


Things in mediation are confidential and we can't use what is said there in court. This can be good and bad. Bad because sometimes a lot can happen and be said in mediation that you can't ever refer to later. Remember what I said back in #1? Your ex can show up, get it on the record that they showed up to mediation, and then turn right around and walk out the door, having simultaneously gotten court credit for being there and refusing to mediate.

Being able to leave at any point is important, of course, in certain cases that ability could be very beneficial. But it is frustrating when one parent is purely causing trouble and they just waste your time.

In my personal experience, it helps to make sure you go into mediation being extra nice. Starting on a good foot, having a relaxing environment has usually helped. But in the end it doesn't matter how nice you be if your ex is just out for war. It only takes one to mess it up.

Tips:

1. However hard it may sometimes be, always keep your cool. Don't get into a screaming match, don't make snide comments that you will regret later.

2. Listen. Even if you don't agree with what they are saying, listen to what they have to say. If you give respect, you might get respect. And, if you both listen, any true misunderstandings might work out as well. Plus, the Mediator will see that you are taking this seriously.

3. Make sure that you don't get hung up on something that you shouldn't. Do you know what I mean? Think about what you are fighting for, what you are insisting, and seriously think about whether you have your priorities straight or not.

4. Don't give up important things just for the sake of getting out of mediation. If it is worth fighting for, be serious about it.

5. Be nice.

6. Think ahead of time what you might be willing to cave on and not cave on. Sometimes you can use these things as bargaining points. For instance, you might be willing to give in to something your ex wants if he or she will give in to what you want. You just have to decide ahead of time.



In my experience, here is what happens at mediation:

1. You show up. On time, if not early.
2. You meet with the mediator and pay the fee (which can be lowered if you apply for it and match qualifications)
3. The mediator reads the rules to you and has you sign an agreement to mediate.
4. The mediator will lead a discussion.
5. If you come up with an agreement, it is written down. If not, you leave and probably are headed for a future court date.
6. One of your lawyers draws up an agreement based on what you agreed to.
7. You have the chance to review it before it gets submitted to the court.

Don't WAIT until it's too LATE to request an item from your marriage

If there is an item or belonging that you really want or think you should have out of your marriage, make sure you request it and try to get it when you and your ex split up the belongings. Don't wait until after the fact, assuming you can just get it later.

It doesn't work like that. At least not always.

About 2 years or more after our divorce was final, my ex sent me an email demanding that I give him something that I had received when we split up our married belongings. At that point I actually didn't own that particular item any more. It was old and had been replaced. 

My ex had a fit that I would get rid of it.

But, if it is something that I got in the divorce, why wouldn't I assume I could discard of it when it became old and outlived it's usefulness? I would not have thought that I should call my ex up and told him that he should come pick up this old, useless thing 2 years after we divorced. 

If it's something you want, don't wait until after the splitting of belongings is settled to ask for it. Talk to your lawyer about how to get what you wish and when to do it. 

 

Divorce and Social Media

Especially if you are going through legal proceedings, be careful about what you put on social media.

Really this is good advice for everybody, but it very much applies to those getting a divorce.

Why? Because you will be looked up. Your ex, their lawyer, maybe other third party professionals. They can all find out a lot about you on the internet. And things found on the internet CAN be used for or against you.

Bashing your ex, posting about wild parties, being generally rude, etc. are all things that can effect someone's perception of your character.

And once you put it out there it can never fully be recalled. Pictures, that really can say a thousand words, can be copied.

This is why I have a strict policy to not bash. I speak the truth, I do it tactfully, and I just keep a lot of things to myself.

It's not that you can't post, but be careful about it.

For example, I have a friend that got divorced a while back. I knew nothing of the divorce except from what I learned on Social Media.

She posted on Facebook a comment that announced the divorce, talked about her personal feelings, and said the general gist about what was going on.

He posted a very rude, slandering comment about how she was an awful mother and how he was glad to get away from her.

Which one do you think I naturally felt was handling it better?

Just, like in all things, try to handle yourself with class.

Take Pictures/ Document!

Note: I am not a lawyer or therapist. This is what I have learned from my own experiences and is not legal advice in any way. This might not be the best idea for your personal case.

I take pictures of everything. Otherwise, it never happened. Property Damage by ex? Take a picture of it. (Although that might be cause for a police report) Texts? I type them out and then take pictures of the text on my phone. Evidence on the computer such as on a social media site? Take a screen shot or save the picture.

I was in court one time, telling the court that my ex's wife had done something that was mean and painful to my daughter.  I had a picture that proves what she was doing. My ex stood there and said I was lying, that I was exaggerating. The court looked at the picture I had submitted and pointed it out to my ex. He was then told that his wife should stop doing that.

If I hadn't had the picture, it would have been his word against mine. This way the Commissioner could look at what I had submitted, see the evidence, and decide for himself what was really going on despite the conflicting reports given by me and my ex.

Rickie and the Flash/ spouses who cheat and leave

I went to see Rickie and the Flash and though I would not suggest you make a point of seeing this movie unless it was on TV, free, nothing else was on, and hopefully a bit edited, I did think it had value for a post. That sounds harsher than I meant it to be. 

There is a character in the movie who is grieving over the loss of her cheating husband. She takes his infidelity pretty roughly and completely "Lets herself go."

The whole time I am thinking, "Don't let him do this to you!" and "No more tears over such a creep!" and "Move on!" 

Though these things are easier said than done. Because we open ourselves up for an honest, true love experience which means that it hurts when the relationship goes south. 

But really what else could you have done if you wanted your marriage to have a chance? You have to open up your heart. 

Maybe it is hard to remember, maybe it is a hard thing to put into practice, but don't let your ex's stupid decisions bring you down. 

If you had a friend who's husband left them for another woman you wouldn't be telling her not get over him. You'd be comforting her and telling her that it was his loss and that he was a creep for cheating on her.

So, if this is your situation, take what would be your own advice! 

Watch how your spouse treats his Ex.

Watch how your spouse treats his ex. Because if you ever get divorced, that is how he will treat you. 

I know what you're saying: "But we won't ever get divorced!" "His ex wife was crazy!" or "He actually loves me!"

I hope that you never get divorced. It isn't much fun at all! But I'd bet your husband and his ex thought those same thoughts once upon a time too. Of course there are unforeseeable circumstances that cause divorces, but no one gets married planning to divorce. 

So, how does he treat his ex? Even if you're right and she is crazy, does he treat her with respect? Is he a decent human being to her? 

I know some men who are the nicest, most helpful ex-husbands a girl could ever dream of. They are still there when needed, they really support their kids, they are still nice.

I also know men who are NOT nice to their ex-wives. They try to get out of supporting their kids, they are rude, etc.

So, which one is your husband? 

Or, better yet, pay attention to how your boyfriend treats his ex wife. You want someone who, no matter the circumstances, is pleasant and reasonable. You can be in the middle of a very nasty court battle and still be decent when around each other. 

Hopefully you will never get divorced. But still pay attention to how he treats his ex. Know what kind of man you are dealing with. 

Who are the Petitioner and Respondent?

Who are the Petitioner and Respondent? 

Why, it's you of course! You and your ex.

Whoever petitions/ files first for divorce is the Petitioner.  And whoever is responding to that petition is the Respondent. And at least in my state (remember that each state has different procedures and rules) you will remain with those titles for the rest of your case.

If the Respondent brings an order to show cause against the Petitioner, the Respondent doesn't suddenly become the Petitioner. That would be confusing if for each hearing you had a new title. The Respondent stays the Respondent and the Petitioner stays the Petitioner. 

What does it mean if someone is "Pro Se"

When someone is Pro Se (pronounced Pro-Say), it means that they appear for themselves.

See the definition on the Free Dictionary Here .

Some people represent themselves and do not hire a lawyer. This is called Pro Se. 

I have never been Pro Se, but I still highly recommend NOT being Pro Se if you don't have to be. If you don't have a lawyer it means that you have to manage the system and court rules by yourself. Luckily there are resources for those people that need help with this, sometimes even through the court. Like pre-made forms and things like that.

But, at least in my jurisdiction, you can't have a lawyer retained and decide to just be Pro Se for one court date. Either you have a lawyer, or you don't.

Pros (that I have seen) for being Pro Se:

-You don't have to pay a lawyer

-You know your case better than anyone and are able to convey your argument however you want to.

Cons (that I have seen) for being Pro Se:

-Limited to no help legally

-You probably don't have any experience, may come across as cocky for choosing to be Pro Se

Unless you don't have a choice, don't be Pro Se. Lawyers are there to help you understand rules, due dates and timelines, etc. They give you advice. Many times a lawyer will know/have experience your judge or commissioner and be able to give you advice based on how that judge generally rules. I know lots of people who regretted not getting a lawyer in the beginning of their case. A bit of money now could save you the heartache of a bad deal later.

If money is an issue, check in to options for financially struggling or low income families. Legal aid type things. I will do a post on that topic in the future.

After the Custody Evaluation

Custody Evaluations can be very stressful. You feel like your whole life is in someone else's hands. Which, honestly, is pretty much true. Once it's over, though, it's not completely over. There is still something I would suggest doing.

Keep a log of major things that have happened since the Custody evaluation. These are things that if you ever found yourself in more interviews with your custody evaluater you would tell him or her.

You'll be amazed at how fast your memory fails you. You'll be thinking to yourself, "When did that event happen? Was it right before the custody evaluation, or right after?"

So then, if I think this to myself, I go check the log I've made.

Note: I talk A LOT about keeping logs. Financial logs, contact logs, post custody evaluation logs, etc. If you start them early, then you can just update them as you go. It is a huge undertaking, but totally worth it. Know what is going on in your case, have a handle on it. AND, whether your logs are on the computer or in hard copy, LABEL LABEL LABEL! Have things organized.

We'll talk more about organizing your divorce documents later.

When Should You Take Off Your Ring?

This is something that every single divorced person has to deal with at some point.

When do I take off my ring?

I personally struggled with this. Because on one hand I saw the ring as symbolizing something very hurtful that went down in flames. On the other hand, people interact with you differently if you are wearing a ring.

Because, in my opinion, you are not "on the market" again before the divorce is officially final. Judge signed, copy recieved, divorce recorded, etc.

Wearing a wedding ring signals to people that you are not available (or at least it should). Especially in the middle of a nasty divorce, I didn't want to deal with people not realizing that I wasn't available or that I didn't want any flirts.

-Not that I got that many, lets be honest here.

I did take my ring off before my divorce was officially final for 3 reasons. 1) I was so sick of wearing the symbol of something that should have been sacred. 2) I was ready to mentally move on (not dating wise, just mentally be in divorcing mode) and 3) I wasn't having any real issues with other people flirting.

Actually, I really did like my ring. The whole divorce was sad, of course. But, loosing the ring I loved was sad too.

So, what do you think? When did you take off your ring?

Sometimes you just don't get to keep what you brought in to the marriage.

Today I thought I'd share this silly article from the Huffington Post. (Just a note: I am not a huge fan of everything they have on their site. Tread carefully)

All I will say about it is that its about a woman who gave a kidney to her husband, but now wants it back since he is leaving her.

Seriously though. Ouch! That would bother me too.

Here is the link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/28/wife-donates-kidney_n_4681997.html


I don't really have any tips or other thoughts on how to protect this kind of asset...

Divorce Tip: Keep Track of expenses that you and your ex are supposed to share.

In many cases, there is a time limit on when you can request money from the other parent for reimbursement of  their half of fees. My final order says that we have 30 days.

Set up an Excel worksheet that lists every expense supposed to be shared, and how much money the reimbursing parent has sent to pay for their half of the expense.

Keep organized from the beginning. If you do this, it will save you tons of pain and trouble in the future!

For example:

2015.07 child support ($500)
2015.07 medical insurance ($100)
check from ex on 2015.07.01 ($600)
2015.07.03 doctor's visit ($44 -1/2 of $88)

current balance- $44


It looks better in Excel. You can have different columns for due expenses and paid expenses.

By the way, I don't get anywhere near that much money from my ex. Ha! That would be amazing... But, I digress.

Also, save your receipts so you can send your ex copies of the bills they are supposed to pay half of. Like a bill for the doctor, copay, prescriptions, etc.  And then if you ever end up in court to talk about them not paying, you can show the court the receipts.

Personally, I scan them all into the computer. That way I have it all in digital format. Easy Peasy!

Divorce Tip: Use your BCC

Today's tip is brought to you by the letters "BCC."

Three words: Blind. Carbon. Copy.

When you send an email to anyone important in your divorce proceedings, put your own address in the BCC spot. That way you have yet another copy of the e-mail, you see how it went through, it gives another confirmation that it sent.

Your ex, your lawyer, any third party or specialist.

I frequently talk about documentation. This is yet another way to make sure you always have proof. And also, if you send e-mails from different computers, they don't always share what you sent from each computer. You might not be able to see on one computer what you sent on another. This depends on your settings, if you are logged into the website or through your home interface.

B-C-C

How To announce that you are getting a divorce Part B

In my last post I went over planning out some different explanations of your divorce depending on who you are telling. For this next part I am going to give you some tips for the actual telling part.

1. Be sensitive.

You never know what the person you are telling is thinking. They may be having a hard time in their marriage, they may never have been exposed to divorce, who knows. Especially if they are having a rough marriage, the last thing they want to hear is how awesome your divorce is. Or maybe they were a child of divorced parents and they are very somber about the subject.

Divorce is inherently sad, even when necessary. Don't go off on some pro-divorce, anti-marriage kick. Whether or not you mean to, putting all marriage in a bad light is never good.


2. Be serious about it.

Getting divorced is a serious decision. You may be at the point where you have to laugh about it or else you'll cry, but everyone else is just finding out about it. If you go to them laughing, they may think you aren't taking it seriously. Even if that's true.


3. Don't feel like you HAVE to tell someone something just because they ask.

Some people may feel entitled to information. They are not. On that same note, this news will be jarring for some of your closer peeps. Be aware that they are going to need your help to make sense of it all.

4. Don't bad mouth your Ex.

Don't bad mouth your Ex. Note: telling the truth and bad mouthing are not the same thing. You can tell the truth and not call your ex names or put them down or whatever. Telling the truth= honest. Bad Mouthing = poor manners. Note: You may need to be careful what all you say for legal reasons.

How to announce that you are getting a divorce Part A

How do you tell someone that you are getting a divorce?  Your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, church friends, facebook peeps. At some point the subject of your divorce is going to come up with them.

Think about what you want to tell different people and have multiple answers prepared of different information levels.

• For some people, like your facebook peeps, you might not want to tell them very much. For example:

My husband and I are getting a divorce. Sometimes life goes unplanned, and you just have to deal with the crap that comes your way. Thanks for all of you who have voiced your concern and support for me and my family.

• Your Neighbors might get a little bit more information.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. As you probably know there was an odd vehicle in our driveway last weekend, and well I guess he was cheating on me. So, it is what it is. Thanks for the casserole.

• Co-workers and Church friends might get even more info.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. Apparently he was running around with another woman from out of town. He's decided to run away with her and leave me. We're dealing with it, and thank you for your prayers.

• Friends are told a lot more.

I came home one day to find a good-bye note from him. He'd been seeing her for years. He'd always come home with weird gifts and explanations of where he'd been. And then I met her, she was literally green with envy or something. She doesn't speak very much English, and so we weren't able to say much. Then she whisked him away. I won't ever see him again. I suppose that's a good thing. Oh, and thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder.

• Maybe you tell your family everything.

He ran away with a space alien! She had green skin and spoke some gobildeegook. She flew her spaceship to our house and then they flew away to her planet. I should have known when he kept bringing home meteors and things like that. How could I not have seen this?! 

You don't have to tell everyone everything. But you want to think ahead of time about what you will say.

Next post will be part B, a continuation of "How to announce that you are getting a divorce"

The Step Parent

Step parenting is a serious science. And some people are good scientists, and some are . . . not.

My ex is remarried. And at first I was extremely excited about him marrying her. I had hoped that she would be an extra level of protection for my kid. In fact, I really pushed her relationship with my daughter. I saw the soon to be step mom as an opportunity for added safety.

It soon became apparent, however, that the Step Mom does not have my daughter's best interest in mind. Everything she does seems to be in an attempt to punish me.

Which is really too bad. Step parents have an awesome opportunity to be a force for good, an example.

I do feel bad for her. I've been married to my ex, I know the emotional toll that his actions (whether or not she knows about them) must be having on her. She is in a bad place, and understandably. I also know some other issues that she is dealing with that must be very very hard on her. And some of them I have also been through, but of course we haven't had any buddy buddy talks about them.

But.

Rolling your eyes at the bio-parent, grabbing the kid and literally running away while the bio-parent keeps asking you to stop, back talking, trying to literally change the kid in every way imaginable whenever she is on a visit, etc. etc. etc. are all bad things to do!

If you are a Step Parent, please heed my words. You have this chance to be in a kids life and hopefully do some good. I know some step parents who basically walked in to the situation and saved the day. They are the heroes of the story! These are people that have brought so much love into an awful situation. I also know some step parents who basically walked in to the situation and made everything worse.

It is hard to walk in to an existing chaos and try to deal with it. It is hard to enter into what is basically someone else's family and try to blend in. I have a basic level of respect for anyone who even tries these things. It is a great responsibility.

Please just do your best to handle this responsibility well.

I really do pray that my ex's wife can find some peace in her situation, to move past all of this crud. I just don't think she's really thought anything through.

What to Wear to Court

When you have a court date you want to look nice and like you actually care. I'm not a judge or Commissioner, but whenever I am at the court house I can't help but inwardly groan at the people who come to court in their ratty jeans and a t-shirt.

If that is all you have, then I know that puts you in a tough spot. However, if  you are able to, just look nice. For guys, it's a suit. Wear a tie. Maybe you could get away without an actual suit, but just a button up shirt and nice pants. But I would be very wary of that. Ask your lawyer.

For girls, wear a skirt or dress pants. have on a nice shirt.

You get the picture. You aren't going to the prom here or anything, but you at least need to look like you care.

Remember that in any situation your appearance is the first thing that people notice. And, right or wrong, they judge you based on that first impression. Make sure you look presentable.

As always, ask your lawyer.

It Only Takes One To Mess It Up

When I was first telling people that I was getting divorced, I got a whole range of reactions.

• Some people immediately guessed what part of the problem was. And they were amazingly right. 

• Some people responded awkwardly, not knowing what to say. I don't blame them.

• Some people who knew my situation congratulated me. Which is also awkward but I appreciated their understanding.

• Some people chastised me. And this is what I am going to talk about today. 

I had lots of people respond with something like this:

"Oh, Hunny, it takes two to keep a marriage successful." 

Or something like:

"Marriage is hard. You need to work through it."

I would just clear my throat awkwardly and, without telling all of the details of the divorce to this person who obviously knew nothing about it anyway, tell them that the situation had become dangerous, and I didn't have a choice.

Because, yes, it definitely takes 2 to keep a marriage successful. That is so true! 

But it only takes one to mess it up. This is also true. And you can't expect someone to stay in a dangerous situation just for the sake of not getting a divorce.

Divorce and the worry that you've failed.

Divorce is a very painful business. No one plans to find the love of their life and then separate from them. When you are walking down the aisle your thoughts aren't "I wonder how nice he (or she) will be to me when we are divorced."

You plan to grow old together, sitting on matching rocking chairs on a wrap-around porch. Your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will love to visit. You have a vacation home big enough to fit everyone you've ever met in it and the worst fight you've ever had is over the toothpaste cap.

Yep, your plans looked great!

I remember being excited for the life ahead of us. We'd be "starving students" together, scrounging for dates at the dollar theater. Then we'd work and save and grow our family. We'd have at least 6 kids, all of which would be natural angels. Eventually we'd magically be rich and we'd vacation in Hawaii at least once a year. It was going to be great!

I know, Hawaii was a long shot.

But then it all shattered. And I suddenly found myself divorced. I had other divorced women make the comment to me that they felt like they failed. That maybe they'd let themselves and their family down.

Because, and it is very very true, families are supposed to be together forever.

And to be divorced means that for some reason that is not happening.

Did those women fail? Did you fail? I honestly don't know. Every situation is different and only you know what happened in your's. Sometimes one person really does mess the whole marriage up single handedly.

Here is what I do know. I am divorced, and I DID NOT FAIL. No way, no how. Was I perfect in my marriage? Of course not. There are lots of areas in which I wish I had done better. But they are areas that all marriages struggle with. Every single couple has to learn together.

The "normal" issues were not the reasons that we divorced. And it makes me sad that our marriage never stood a chance to work through and learn. My ex's choices and actions are what crumbled our marriage. Not our silly disagreements on what dishes can and can't go in the microwave.

Although, seriously, I was right. ;) Metal should NOT go in the microwave!

So here is the big question: should I feel like I failed? No.

Divorce is crap. It is the complete opposite of how things should be. But what is the alternative when you are in a situation like mine where there really is no choice? Where the marriage or partner poses serious risk?

If you can work out your marriage, then do. I always advocate working it out if at all possible. But don 't get caught in this feeling of failure if it isn't your failure to begin with.

And, if you are the partner that seriously failed? Figure whatever issues you are dealing with out. Go see a therapist or something. Because whether you are still married or are divorced, your partner or ex will be so grateful for your growth and healing. It is never too late to better a situation.

What does it mean when a lawyer wants a retainer?

Find yourself with a lawyer that wants a retainer?

To get an idea of what a retainer is, check out this link:

https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/retainer

lots of lawyers work on a retainer basis. They may request you give them a retainer to "retain" their services. Say they ask you to keep your retainer at $3,000. Then as they do work on your case and use up that retainer, you must pay to keep that retainer at $3,000.

Not all lawyers work on a retainer basis, but many many do. My guess is that most do.

What Happens When You Switch Lawyers?

Don't be afraid to switch lawyers if you need to. There are many reasons to switch lawyers, but what it comes right down to is what you feel is right for your case. Every case is different, and not every lawyer would be a good fit for you and your case.

From my personal experience, here is what happens when you switch lawyers:

1) I would suggest you find a new lawyer before you let your current one go.
2) When I switched lawyers, my new lawyer said that either I or he will send a letter to the old lawyer telling them to stop work on the case, that they are no longer representing me. Ask your new lawyer about wording and how to do this.
3) Your new lawyer will need all of the info on your case. Get your file from your old lawyer, send the information to your new lawyer. Again, talk to your new lawyer about how to do this.
4) Don't forget to pay any bills to your old lawyer.
5) Also, you will need to talk about payment structures with your new lawyer. He or she may work on a retainer basis.You may need to pay them a sum of money upfront. Just like you may have had to do with your first lawyer.

Itemized Bills

Ooh, I hope you trust your lawyer. However, it is very nice when your lawyer sends you an itemized bill. It shows you what exactly they did on your case, what lawyer (if multiple are on your case) worked on it, for how long they worked on it, and what they are charging you for it.

There have been times that I was so glad I had an itemized statement. I had things go sour with my first law firm, and I was able to show them the statements they sent me full of errors (legal errors, things billed to me that weren't part of my case at all, things I had asked them not to do that they did anyway and charged me for it, a lawyer that padded his time like crazy. He would put 30 or 40 minutes for the same meeting that two other lawyers put 10 minutes for.). There was a lot more to it than that, but it gives you an idea of the importance of itemized statements. It was such an asset to have.

Divorce in Alabama

Note: I am not vouching for any of these, this is solely a compilation of sites meant to get you started. Make sure to do your own research. And I ALWAYS suggest getting a lawyer and  trusted legal council. These lists are not complete, but only constitute the beginning of research.


Some Alabama divorce help sites:

• http://www.divorcenet.com/states/alabama
• http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Alabama-Divorce-Laws-404.html
• http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/alabama/alabama-divorce-laws-657.shtml
• http://divorce-laws.insidegov.com/l/1/Alabama

Government Site:

• http://judicial.alabama.gov/index.cfm

Go Here to Find what Judicial Circuit you are in and information specific for you:

• http://www.alacourt.gov/JudicialCircuits.aspx

Find a Lawyer:

• http://www.alabamalawyers.org/
• http://lawyers.findlaw.com/lawyer/state/alabama

Legal Aid/Help:

• https://www.alabar.org/for-the-public/need-legal-help/

Don't Be Desperate!!!

I'll say it again: Don't be desperate!!!  

I groan every time I hear a girl panicking that they aren't married yet. I roll my eyes at impatient facebook posts, I cringe when someone gets married to someone they obviously don't know just for the sake of being married.

Ideally, we would all find our "soul mates" at a fairly early age, have lots of happy children, and ride off into the sunset.

But, at no fault of our own, sometimes that doesn't happen.

And what are we supposed to do? Settle for some psycho because we just have to have someone and they're willing?

Yeah right!

But girls do it all the time. They panick that they aren't married yet, they see their siblings and friends married with kids and they go into a frenzy.

They're like sharks just looking for a piece of meat. They suddenly don't care if the meat is spoiled, all they want is meat.

Talk about a good recipe for divorce. Just add a slab of spoiled meat.

At no point in your life should you settle for less than your values. Hair color, body type, favorite foods, leaving the cap off of the toothpaste: these are all things thatcan be worked around.

Religious beliefs, the way you want to raise your kids, morals, values: these are all things that you should stand for. Don't crumble on your beliefs just because a willing guy happens to enter into the picture.

Don't be desperate for a guy. Just want to find the right guy.

Desperate for guy= NOT healthy.

Wanting the Right Guy = Healthy and normal.


  

"Divorce is an Option"

A friend gave me the link to the following story titled "Divorce is an Option:"


http://lemmonythings.com/2015/02/20/divorce-is-an-option/


Sometimes our life is affected and we are hurt because of someone else's decisions. We have to pick up the pieces and do our best with the situation we are given. We still deserve happiness.

Divorce is awful. It really is. And, though it stinks, sometimes we find ourselves divorced through no fault of our own. We need to stay strong!

Tip: Protecting your Assets

Ok, remembering I'm not a lawyer or anything, I thought I'd share with you what I learned about protecting your assets when getting a divorce.

You don't want to be the one to take all the money and run. I call that stealing. But you don't want them to do it either, right? You don't want to be the one left in a lurch.

So what do you do? What can you do? Keep records of how much is in each of your accounts and what services are already paid for. Watch your bank account, insurance, cell phone, etc. etc. etc. If your spouse drains the accounts, you need to know so that 1) You have that information for legal purposes and 2) so that you don't get stuck with any overdraft fees or anything like that.

I personally got stuck with a fee that was taken out monthly, but because the account had been drained I also got a penalty on it. :(

I have a friend that said she took pictures of the whole house when she and her husband divorced. She was trying to document everything for proof of having had it. I don't know if this works, but it sounds like a good idea to me. I not only took pictures but made a list of everything and their estimated worth.

If you are splitting up the cars, think about splitting up the keys, too.

Keep documents or copies of documents. Simply: know what you have. Not everyone can rely on their spouse to really give them half of everything.

Unfortunately it doesn't always work like that.

Think about things like: insurance policies, bank accounts, business accounts, wills, etc.

And as always- Document EVERYTHING.

I know this is a very vague post. But my point is just to have you thinking about things. You don't want to be fighting over the assets, you want it documented and clear what there is and what there isn't.

Find: Is it better to get married in your 20's or 30's?

Is it better to get married in your 20's or 30's? And how does that affect the divorce rate?



Follow the link to the Sutherland Institute and decided for yourself:



The tradeoffs of postponing marriage past your mid-20s

Never be late to court!!!!!!

Never be late to court. That's it. Simple, Eh?

Make sure you leave in plenty of time to get to the court, sit there for a few minutes, hopefully meet with your lawyer ahead of time, get a drink of water, and take a deep breath.

There was one time that I saw someone not show up (they actually walked into the courthouse way after the fact) and the Commissioner not only dismissed their motion but awarded the other party attorney fees.

So, don't do it! Don't be late!!!!!!

And, it's rude. You send the message to the court that their time isn't important.

Which is not the message you want to send.

Also, and I hope I don't actually have to say this, but show up! Don't just not be late, make sure you come!

I saw another circumstance where someone sent their niece as a representative. I don't know if that is something that is done very often, but in this case it didn't fly. It didn't work!

No, no, no.

Show up, be on time.

What to Take With You to Court

Find yourself wondering what you should take to court?

Here is the list of what I personally take:

1. Your Case Binder. We will talk more about what goes into your case binder later, but make sure you have all of the paperwork you need. I even like to have past paperwork so that I can reference things that have already been said or submitted. Think about it this way: if you don't have it with you, you won't be able to access it. My lawyer brings his laptop for all of this.

2. Pen and paper. Few reasons:

• I am rarely able to take notes because everything is happening so fast, but it is good to have the option. 
• Sometimes you will want to say something to your lawyer and it isn't always easy to. Your lawyer has to be able to listen to what is going on in the room and what you have to say sometimes has to wait. So, sometimes I have written down what I want to tell him and he then looks at it when he is able to.

3. Water bottle or at least a mint. If you get nervous and your mouth gets dry you will need something. You can't just excuse yourself to go get a drink. 

4. If you are a girl, take an extra hair clip or something. You want to look nice, and you don't want to be worrying that you look scroungy.

5. Money. Your court house may charge for parking. You will also need money if you need to make emergency copies of something. Which is not necessarily available wherever you are.

6. Your ID. You never know when you will need your id for something. I don't think I've ever used mine, but it is a generally good thing to have.

I am sure there are other things that I will think of, but in the mean time this list is a good place to start.

Tip: Get it in writing!

In my experience, things are much clearer and admissible when in writing. Then it isn't your word against theirs, and things are a lot more sure. Email is great for this. Texts are harder to submit, but at least they are written material. Once it's written it can't be taken back as easily. It is what it is.

Made a deal with your ex that may change a visitation schedule? Get it in writing.

Have a friend that witnessed something? Have them write it down and get it notorized. I tried this once. I don't know how successful it was, but at least I had it.

Save your emails, save your texts.

GET IT IN WRITING!!!!!!!!!!

Uncontested Divorce

What is an uncontested Divorce?

An Uncontested Divorce is when both parties agree to the divorce and all of the issues involved, meaning that the court doesn't need to get involved in most of it.



My source articles (which you should go read too): 

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/typesofdivorc1/f/uncontested_divorce.htm


http://www.attorneys.com/divorce/uncontested-divorce/



The one from attorneys.com also lists pros and cons of an uncontested divorce.

Meet With Your Lawyer Before Hearings

If you have a hearing scheduled, I would suggest that you plan to meet with your lawyer for a few minutes ahead of time to do the following:

1. Make sure that you are both on the same page. You both have things that you may want to say to each other. Maybe they want to give some advice, maybe you want to tell them what your priorities are, maybe one of you has an update. Also, lawyers have lots of cases, so it might be a good idea to take a couple of minutes to get them into the swing of your case.

2. This way you will both be on time. I have never had a lawyer be anywhere near late to a hearing, but I have seen their clients be late to hearings. Don't be late!!!!!!!!!!!

3. I personally feel calmer and not so rushed when I have had a chance to meet with my lawyer before a hearing. Not only have I been in the courthouse for a few minutes, but I have talked with my attorney and we've gone over the issues.

4. I have dealt with a few attorneys in my experience, and they have each had different jobs and levels of professionalism. One time the attorney who always argued my case in court showed up without having even read our paperwork and motion. It was a different, awesome attorney who always did the paperwork.

Well, where did that leave me? No where good. I was so upset. But luckily we had planned to meet half an hour ahead of time and I was able to catch him up on a couple of things.

Now, that is a much longer story than I just relayed. And the situation with that attorney went downhill very fast. But you get the point.

ALWAYS MEET AHEAD OF TIME!!!!!!!!!

Compare your Copies

Whenever you have a stipulation or a final agreement or anything that you and your ex have to agree on, always keep track of your copies and what you specifically want or don't want in there.

For instance, say you are comming up with a final stipulation and your attorneys are emailing each other back and forth  with updated proposals. Have a list of things that you want. Say you want 1.Equal splitting of the bank Account, 2. For your spouse to have to have a life-insurance policy with your child(ren) as the beneficiary, and 3. for you to get the car and them to get the snow mobile. I don't know, your list could have anything on it. I never owned a snowmobile to know what that is like, but hey, your list is your list.

I also had a list of everything that my ex wanted that I thought would be very bad to include. There were many things that I gave into and let him have, but there were also things that he wanted  that would not have been good in the short and long terms.

So here is what I would do: Everytime I got a final stipulation proposal from my ex I would compare the lists to the document he sent AND I would compare his proposal to the one that I had sent him before. To see what he changed, what wording he wanted, if things had slipped in that I didn't want, if things had gotten taken out that I did want, etc.

You can't just assume that you will remember everything you had in there or that your EX was nice enough to leave it all alone. Always do this. Always compare, read, re-read, and re-read.

What is worse: Being tired of reading your proposal or finding later that you had missed something?

And then when you get your proposal or stipulation all done, what should you do? That's right. Read it again. Have someone you trust read it too. Obviously our lawyer should be reading it, but don't rely on anyone else to do your reading for you.

Read, Compare, Read, Compare. BEFORE you sign.