What should I do with my ring?

I've been thinking about my ring and what to do with it.

The way I see it, there are a few options:

1) Sell it. Get the money. Not that it would be a lot, but hey! Or save it for bartering durring the Zombie apocalypse...

2) When I first took my ring off, I went back into the jeweler that we bought it from to get it cleaned. The jeweler told me to brink it back if I ever get re-married and they will add the value of the ring to whatever new ring my future husband and I buy.

3) Save it for my kid? Though that is a little weird...

I don't know. Thoughts? Thoughts? What did you do with your ring and why? Are there options I'm not thinking of?

Did you know that I am divorced?

It's true. I'm divorced. 

And still I run into friends who don't know. All they remember is that at some point I got married.Who can blame them, really? It's hard enough to keep up with really good friends, let alone friendly acquaintances or friends that you haven't seen for years.

It makes for some really awkward reunions. 

There have been a lot of awkward things in my divorce. And, for that matter, in my marriage. 

What about you? Have you had some awkward divorce moments?

If so, know that it is normal. You wouldn't have had a divorce in the first place if something awkward hadn't happened.

You want a "matchless match"

Not just any guy or gal will do! You want to find someone who shares the same values and the same goals as you.

This scene from Fiddler on the Roof starts out with a couple of girls who just can't wait for the town's matchmaker to find husbands for them. They are desperate for matches! Then, throughout the song, they realize that they want a good guy, someone that they can trust and depend on. They get scared that leaving their matches up to fate will get them in bad situations.

By the end of the song they realize that "Playing with matches a girl can get burned" and suddenly their new goal is to find matchless matches. Safe, reliable men.

I love this! Besides, didn't our parents always teach us not to play with matches?

FYI, my favorite line is "You've heard he has a temper, he'll beat you every night! But only when he's sober... so you're alright!"

You're so vain... you probably think this blog is about you.

How others react to your divorce

Telling family and friends that I was divorcing was a very interesting experience. Some of them reacted in a way that left me feeling disappointed. I don't know what I expected. More questions? More 'and how are you doing?' More kindred connections?

It wasn't their fault, though. No one, especially those who haven't been through one, really knows how to respond to the news of a divorce. And that is something that you just have to remember when going through a divorce. People don't know what to say, they don't know how to talk about it or react. And that just is what it is. They probably felt like a deer in the headlights.

But... DON'T RESPOND LIKE RAYMOND DOES IN THIS CLIP.

Awkward.

Is Pro Se O-Kay?

I met someone this weekend who was a major supporter of going Pro Se. What is Pro Se? Check out my past post to find out : Click here.

I always suggest that people not go Pro Se, but I met this guy who told me very strongly that I should go Pro Se. That he wasted all this money on a lawyer, and that he saved a lot of money by firing his lawyer and just doing it himself. He said he used the online help and figured it out. Granted, because of his job he has a pretty good background in legal matters (he isn't a lawyer, but he isn't a stranger to the court, either.)

He felt so strongly about it, and that surprised me. Because I am the opposite. I never suggest that someone try to do their divorce without a lawyer unless they don't have any other options. Even then, I suggest that they try legal aid or something similar.

So, I thought I'd ask you. What do you think of people going pro se?

Put your thoughts in the comments.

It's normal to have to sort out your emotions

"I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally." 

- Lucille Ball

Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/search_results.html?q=divorce


Divorce is a hard thing. Don't expect to walk away unscathed. It is normal to have to sort out your emotions.

Final Divorce Agreement 9: Child Support

(Remember I am not a lawyer or professional of any kind. These are purely my thoughts on my own personal experiences.)


Child support: one of the most debated subjects of all time. At least among those who are divorced. It is not uncommon to hear one parent say, "He pays almost nothing in child support!" And then to have the other parent say, "I pay her way too much in child support."

So, who is right?

Here's the thing, and I touched bases on this in my Taxes post (see list of past divorce agreement posts below), but it takes a lot more to raise a kid than people usually think.

Of course there are the obvious expenses: Place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear.

Then there are the other expenses that you may not have thought of. Like hygienic products. Your kids have to have toothpaste, soap, shampoo, deodorant, that time of the month products for girls (which adds up super quick) . The house then has to be clean, so you are always buying cleaners, detergents, etc. The kid will add to the utility bills (maybe not a lot, but as you can see, this list is adding up). There will be school fees, not to mention other activities they may get involved in. Like soccer or ballet. Forbid your kid gets really good at something and they get the chance to go to finals or on a tour or something similar. Money, Money, Money. Do you ever buy them a treat? Or toys? Do you ever go someplace fun with them? One trip to the movies and your wallet is toast.

Throughout a child's life they will need diapers, car seats, stools to reach the sink, bedding, sunblock, hair ties, car insurance.

The list goes on and on.

And we aren't even talking about medical bills in this post.

Now, some of this should be covered by child support, and some of it isn't. Like, my final agreement has separate clauses for medical, dental, eye care, child care expenses, etc. And then I have a clause that simply says that my ex will continue to pay me child support. I tried to get a clause in there about my ex having to pay for half of all expenses. Like expenses that would incur at school, but it didn't make it into the final agreement.

This is a tricky subject to blog about, as with all things go ask your lawyer about it. I would ask him what is covered in child support and what is not. That way I would know what else I needed to put in my final agreement.

In my state there is a simple to use calculation and online form to determine child support. You put in each parent's income and then it spits out a number to pay in child support. If you aren't working, they will impute minimum wage to you at full time work to do the calculation. Of course the court can change whatever it wants to.

I was told that Child support is not taxable income. That money is to re-imburse you for taking care of the child. That money is the child's, not yours. I'm not saying that when the payment check comes in you should hand it over to your kid, I'm saying that you use that money to take care of your children.



For Past Final Divorce Agreement Posts, read:

Final Divorce Agreement 8: Debts

Final Divorce Agreement 7: Who claims the kids on the taxes?

Final Divorce Agreement 6: If you don't include it, it won't matter

Final Divorce Agreement 5: Contact Information

Final Divorce Agreement 4: Arrearage

Final Divorce Agreement 3: Transportation

Final Divorce Agreement 2: Life Insurance

Final Divorce Agreement 1: Always Reread the Document

How long will my divorce take? A divorce time line.

The question is: How long will my divorce take?

or

How long until my divorce is final?

The short answer: forever and a day.

Just kidding. Kind of.  It was just a couple or maybe three months between first meeting with a lawyer and our first court date. In total it was about 7 months until the divorce was final. BUT that is very fast. 7 months is nothing in terms of divorce time. It only went that fast for me because we did a bifurcated divorce. Follow the link to another post I did about my bifurcated divorce.

Then it took just under three years to get to a judge signed final order.

Then... it is never over. Especially when you have an ex that likes to fight about everything. I am in and out of court all the time.

Something to remember, though, is that my case is very toxic. So we had testing and evaluations that we had to wait for. So, if you and your spouse are in agreement over everything and there aren't any extenuating circumstances, then your will probably go faster.

This is just my experience.

Requesting docs from the court

Did you know that you can request documents from the court?

Chances are you'll have to pay for them, especially if they are from past court hearings.

Why would you want to do this?

-To know what exactly was submited
-If you are just wanting copies and don't want to pay your lawyer to get them.

Good lawyers versus bad lawyers

Ugh. my ex has a BAD lawyer. The kind of guy that causes more trouble than he helps figure out. Obviously only interested in making money. This is not the first lawyer that my ex has had, and it seems like every lawyer he has had is slimy or just awful in some way.

"But Dee," you are thinking, "You only say that because it's your Ex's lawyer!"

No. The first lawyer my ex had was so slimy. At one point, in the court room, he was insinuating that I had a very severe issue. He didn't come right out and say it, but he made it sound like I had this personal problem.

Luckily the Commissioner caught it and asked him straight out, "Are you saying that she has [enter issue here]?"

Ex's lawyer was suddenly backtracking quickly, "Well, uh, well, um... no. No, she doesn't actually have that problem."

Or something like that.

Are you kidding me?!

See, I still get angry over it.

At the same time, one of the best men I have ever known is a lawyer. Good to the core.

My current lawyer is a good guy, too. Respectful, honest, he is precise in figuring out what the issues are.

I'm not saying that any lawyer (or person for that matter) is going to be perfect. They still make mistakes, they can still do stupid things and not be a "bad lawyer." All I'm saying is that if you have a choice, find a good and respectful lawyer.

I have an inkling that the Judges and Commissioners see and remember the good and bad lawyers. I personally don't want the Commissioner to see my lawyer walk in and think, "Oh no, this guy is a problem causer."

That's one idea for your old wedding dress

It's the weekend! Well, almost. Just a few more hours and then it's official, right? So, I thought I'd leave you with an interesting read. The woman in this article decided to do something unusual with her wedding dress after she got a divorce. I am not sure I would do this, but you have to give her props for being brave and for trying to make good memories out of something that could otherwise be sour.

Article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/texas-woman-poses-in-wedding-gown-after-divorce_us_56e0b06ee4b0b25c9180be26

What do you think? What do you plan to do, or what did you do with your wedding gown after divorce?

If you don't want kids, don't date me

Finding that special someone can be complicated. But, let me set one record straight:

It is ok to not want to date someone with kids.

Did you hear me? It's ok!

Taking on kids is a huge responsibility. Financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. If someone isn't ready or prepared for that, they shouldn't jump into that kind of situation.

And I would rather be treated truthfully than led on.

I don't take it personally, I don't get offended, and I don't get angry.

I was asked by a friend a while ago if she could set me up on a blind date with a guy who I kind of knew. From what I knew about him, I was excited to be set up on the date and said yes. However, a week or so later, my friend said that he wasn't interested right now.

Was it because I am divorced? Was it because I am a parent?

Who really knows what all. But I have no problem with it. More like, if you aren't interested, thanks for not wasting my time.

Straight forward.

If you know you are the wrong guy for me and my situation, that is ok. I'm not looking for the wrong guy, I'm looking for the right guy.

Love is a battlefield?

I love that song by Pat Benatar, but I have learned something along the way of life...

How to act around people who are getting a divorce

I think it's safe to say that most people don't know what to say or how to act around someone that is getting a divorce.

Divorce is traumatic, like death or an accident or losing one's job.  Except you probably won't get flowers, you probably won't get a sympathy card and people might avoid you because they just don't know what to say.  It's awkward. But sometimes this is a good thing.  You might not want to dwell on your failed marriage and people bringing it up just might make the situation more sore.  At the same time, this is something you are going through and it is weird not to feel support. It can feel weird to not have even close friends ask you about how one of the biggest things in your life is going.

Simply put: don't take it personally.  The people and friends around you don't know your situation, even if you feel like you've told them all the details. Because no one has lived your life. And lots of people can't understand and can't grasp a situation until they have lived it themselves. And even then, sometimes living it appears to send them into denial.

And then some people will feel pity, some people will scowl at you, some will ignore you because they might be having marital problems and talking about your divorce is really not good for them at the moment.

My advice to those who know someone who is getting a divorce: Divorce is always sad.  No matter what the reasons or what the situation, it is always sad.  Realize that the parties involved are going through a drastic change in life.  Their finances, time, physical and mental energy among other things are being stretched.  Even if the person you know is getting out of a bad situation, and the divorce is needed, they are still going through all of these things.  Don't necessarily be afraid to ask them how they are doing. Just letting them know that you are there for them is a huge thing.

On the flip side:

My advice to those who are getting a divorce:  Don't expect masses of friends to come and support you.  Sad, I know.  But remember, they are nervous about saying the wrong thing.  Some may be proactive in checking in with you and some may not.  Family may be different, though there is a good chance it won't be. It just depends.  Keep up with family and friends, don't wait for them to call.  Call them up for an outing or what not.  Make sure not to crowd the conversation by continuously talking about your divorce.  I'm not saying don't talk about it, but don't make that the sole topic.  And make sure to keep up on prayer and other religious activities.  God will always be there for you, even when other people don't know how to be.

That's my advice as someone who has been through a divorce, take it or leave it.

What does a divorce cost?

Divorce costs are all over the board. Obviously.

According to Cost Helper, a do-it-yourself divorce can cost several hundred dollars.

Which, to me, sounds cheap. My experience is so far past that amount that my brain hears a couple hundred dollars and wants to shut down. But... most of the time when I hear about the do- it- yourselfers, it is in a case where the two parties are getting along just fine and they don't have anything to argue over. And, as Cost Helper points out, a fill in the blank divorce can create some problems.

Cost Helper says that an uncontested divorce usually costs between $1,000 to $10,000 dollars. The contested divorce average is $5,000 to $25,000. But then later the article says that it can be $20,000 to $50,000 when paying hourly (which the uncontested and contested are paying as well I am sure), or it can cost even more in emotionally charged cases.

I won't tell you what I have paid thus far in my divorce case, but I will say: Ouch.

Now, I would love to have all of that money back. But I wouldn't have wanted to do this without a lawyer. The lawyer is supposed to help you get things right, to help you navigate the divorce process. They actually know what they are doing.

But don't necessarily get sticker shock. There are ways to keep costs down, like keeping phone calls with your lawyer short. But I will talk about that in another post.

Anyone want to share what they spent on their divorce?

Everyone can find a creep. You need to find a good person.

I've said it before: don't settle.

If you had no standards you could be married tomorrow. There's a creep for everyone!

Case in point:

"Hey, Mom and Dad... I've found someone! And don't worry, she's totally over that whole killing her boyfriend thing. I think."

Seriously? What is wrong with people?

Everyone can find a creep. What you need to do (if you are single) is find a decent, good person with values like your own. 

Otherwise, you will hit a point where you will regret your decision in multiple ways. 

This is not a race to see who can find a spouse first, or who can find the richest, most good looking spouse. The point in marriage is to find the RIGHT person.

I would rather wait a lifetime to find the right person to be happy and safe with than marry the wrong person sooner and either not be happy or not be safe or what have you.

  

Working together?

I thought I would share some of the advice given during one of our court hearings:

The Commissioner told us that it is not weakness when you work together.

My ex likes to fight, which makes it extremely tough to come together on any subject. Because he would rather fight than resolve something.

Don't do that. Be reasonable. I'm not saying to give in on crazy, wrong things. But give in where it is reasonable to do so.

When something is reasonable, I give in. When it is not reasonable, I try to give alternate ideas to resolve the situation. And if that is not possible, then I try to be as calm in my response as possible.

Just my personal thoughts on that advice. Take it or leave it.

Final Divorce Agreement 8: Debts

(Remember I am not a lawyer or professional of any kind. These are purely my thoughts on my own personal experiences.)


Debt. Ugh. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

No one likes it, no one wants it. And you certainly don't want someone else's debt.

Cars, homes, student loans, furniture, business, etc. etc. etc. Debt can be gained in many ways.

My ex had incurred debt on his own during the marriage without my input. Things he bought that he was still in possession of, that I frankly never even saw.

After the divorce, I didn't want to be responsible for those things.

And, I thought it only fair that we each be responsible for things like our own student loans. Of which he had a TON!

So in our final agreement we agreed to separate our debts. I kept what was in my name, he kept what was in his.

We were lucky to not have very much debt between us, and I know that not all divorce situations are like that. Credit card debt, owning a home or multiple of them, legal fees, medical bills, etc. It can all accumulate.

If you have been divorced, how did you handle the debt?



For Past Final Divorce Agreement Posts, read:

Final Divorce Agreement 7: Who claims the kids on the taxes?

Final Divorce Agreement 6: If you don't include it, it won't matter

Final Divorce Agreement 5: Contact Information

Final Divorce Agreement 4: Arrearage

Final Divorce Agreement 3: Transportation

Final Divorce Agreement 2: Life Insurance

Final Divorce Agreement 1: Always Reread the Document

Remember the kids can hear you

I had never seen this deleted scene from Mrs. Doubtfire before. I think I agree with Today EXTRA that the movie was better without it.

Now, I agree with the mom in that it would honestly be disturbing if you found out that your ex had been dressing up as a woman to come and clean your house and watch your kids.

And, frankly, the kids would need to know that that isn't normal. Or healthy.

But, whatever the case. Whether you are right or not, think deep about whether it is something the kids should hear or not. Sometimes the kids may need to hear something, like that it isn't normal for their father to trick their mom into thinking he's a woman. But sometimes then it is very inappropriate for the kids to overhear something.

I am dealing with this constantly. My ex and his spouse are constantly saying or doing things that I want to say, "Hello! Hello! The kid can hear you!!! What are you thinking?"

Or the worst is when my kid expresses a concern and they brush it off or say that it is unfounded.

Children are human beings. Have some respect and know that they aren't just an impartial bystander. They can hear you!

Divorce Survival Kit

Be nice to your family's exes

One of the things I had to mourn the most over, after the divorce, was the loss of my ex-husband's family. In my case it happened overnight. We were supposedly working things out, and I suddenly stopped getting invited to family events.

Why Dee, that's weird!

Yes, but I know the reason. See, I think my Ex's family wanted to hide the fact we were having issues from the Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Grandparents.

So there wasn't any "goodbye" period. Which made it harder. Suddenly I was just out of the family.

I felt particularly close to one side of the family, and that was the hardest. I felt like my Ex had made all of these choices, and yet I was being punished for them.

It was hard.

Then, in the past couple of years, I have either been contacted by a couple of them or they have treated me so nicely when we ran into each other.

This made me want to cry!

What a difference from his family members that can't look straight at me. That are snotty and can't even look in my direction.

If someone in your family gets divorced, please be nice to their Ex. I'm not saying that you have to agree with them, or that you have to take their side. But just being nice and even cordial can go a long way.

Do you have these issues with your ex's family?

3 Must Haves When Dealing With Your Ex!

Divorce is not fashionable

I am always surprised at how many divorce blogs try to make divorce seem sexy and fashionable.

Like, just because your marriage fell apart you are suddenly cool?

No. No, no, no.

There is a difference between "I am divorced and thus I am going to go on a journey to rediscover the things I love", and the complete opposite viewpoint of "I am divorced and thus I am awesome by default."

Divorce is sad. And if you are cool, it has nothing to do with your dissolution of marriage.

Divorce should be abhorred, not looked at like a pass to the popular table.

After you spend gobs and gobs of money, have worry after worry after worry, and are introduced to our "simple" court system, you might realize how UNCOOL divorce actually is.

Sometimes it is necessary. And sometimes divorce can lead to good things. That is why it exists at all. But divorce itself is not fun. It is not cool, and it is not awesome. And it is definitely not sexy.


What do you think? Are you cool because of your divorce? Or in spite of it?

The Sharing-info log

I hate logs. With a passion.

But I absolutely love what logs can accomplish. With a passion.

They are a pain to keep up, but they can be a life saver in a legal battle. Or just as a way to remember exactly what happened and when.

The log I want to talk about today is the "Sharing Information Log."


What: A log to track every time you share information with your ex

Why: Because sometimes exes like to claim that they are being kept out of the loop


I can say, "Yes. I did tell you about the tuba recital, on December 1st. In an e-mail." And it is easy for me to remember that because I put it in my sharing information log. And then I go to my e-mail log and pull out the e-mail I sent him.

I can say, "Yes. I did tell you about the medication the doctor prescribed. In a text message on December 1st." and then I pull the text from the e-mail log.

I WOULD NOT actually say it to my ex like I just put above. That sounds confrontational. But my point to you is to point out the information I can know from my log.


On the flip side, I also make notes about when I ask my ex about something and never get an answer. Or get an answer that is proved untrue.

This whole sharing information thing can go both ways and depends greatly on your custody arrangement, situation. etc.

But get your ducks in a row and if you need to for your situation, keep track of the information you share. And if you need to, the information your ex doesn't share.

If it is an issue, you have to document it.

(Remember I am not an attorney, and this is not advice for you specifically. This is purely my thoughts on what I have learned and my personal opinion. Consult a lawyer for your own situation.)

Do you keep the pictures and trinkets?

The question is, do you keep old pictures of you and your ex? Do you keep old keepsakes from your relationship?

I think a big part of the answer is another question: do you have children?

If you do have children, everything changes. If they are young enough that they won't remember you being together then you may want to just put some of the pictures/keepsakes in a box. Because at some point they may be curious and want to see these things.

Older kids may want to keep pictures in their scrap book or something. Or maybe something in their room? They are old enough to remember, so it would be different.

However, if you don't have kids then whatever. Put a page in your scrapbook to remember, and then toss the rest.

But, that is just me. What do you think? What would you do?  What did you do?

Final Divorce Agreement 7: Who claims the kids on the taxes?

(I am not a lawyer, accountant, or professional of any kind. These are simply notes and thoughts from my own experience. Retain your own lawyer, CPA, etc. to help you in these matters)


There are a couple of really big subject matters when it comes to your final stipulation, and the subject of taxes is definitely one of them.

Will it be you or your ex that claims the kids on the taxes and gets the tax benefits?

Sometimes you will hear of people splitting the years. For instance, Dad claims the children on tax years ending in an even number, and Mom claims the children on tax years ending in an odd number. Or whatever. Which I personally think makes more sense if the children are spending their time equally between the two houses or if the parents really are splitting the cost of raising the children. But that is just my personal opinion.

Lots of people don't realize how much money it really takes to raise even just one child. Food, clothing, ammenities (they have to have heat, water, etc.), their portion of the roof over their heads, things that they need around the house like towels and bedding, the cost of gas to get them to where they need to go, their portion of the car that you had to buy (you think a couple without children would buy a huge van? No, this is an expense that helps in raising the kids), every single thing you buy to keep the house clean, do the laundrey, dishes, etc (you spend more on these things the more kids you have), school supplies and costs, doctors visits, home medical supplies, child proof gadgets depending on the age of your child, etc. etc. etc. That is without mentioning any toys, fun outings, special medical needs, etc. Add two kids onto your family and suddenly a trip to the movies with drinks feels more like an investment. I don't know if the court would consider all of these things, but this is the reality of what it takes to raise a kid.

I have heard of so many parents who feel they are paying too much in child support. And I'm not saying they aren't. It's just that . . . they probably aren't. When a kid lives with you full time you naturally spend more and more money on them because their living needs have to be met.

My ex is one of these that wants to pay nothing in child support.

So when we came up with a final stipulation I was considering this. I was considering the fact that he pays very little in support. And yet he wanted to claim my kid every other year on his taxes.

Note: It is my express opinion that the child tax credit is there to help people who are actually bearing the cost of raising a child. Not just so you can get a tax break for reproducing.

The IRS has specific guidelines for people who want to claim children on their taxes. These standards can help ensure that the tax break is given to the parent who is actually bearing the truer cost of raising a kid. Do your research.

Go to this page on the IRS WEBSITE and this page on the IRS Website for a bit more information.

Among other things, these links also say that if a noncustodial parent wants to claim the children as dependents, then the custodial parent has to sign a waiver form for them to do so.

One thing you need to be aware of that a lot of people miss. Tax years do not match the year you are currently in. So, if an ex is eligible to claim a kid on his taxes for tax year 2016, then he would claim that kid while doing 2016's taxes in 2017. See what I mean? So the question is are you able to claim the dependent in 2016 (and thus for the tax year 2015)? Or are you able to claim the dependent for the Tax year 2016 (and thus while you are doing your taxes in 2017)?

Get your ducks in a row and figure out what you are really putting into your stipulation.

And like I said, get a lawyer, get a cpa, these posts are just my musings of my personal experiences.



For Past Final Divorce Agreement Posts, read:

Final Divorce Agreement 6: If you don't include it, it won't matter

Final Divorce Agreement 5: Contact Information

Final Divorce Agreement 4: Arrearage

Final Divorce Agreement 3: Transportation

Final Divorce Agreement 2: Life Insurance

Final Divorce Agreement 1: Always Reread the Document

Just a note to all of my single friends

Just a note to all of my single friends -

If you are having problems and issues with a person while you are dating, it will NOT get better during marriage.

In fact, my guess is that it will get worse. If he drives you nuts while dating, he will drive you even more nuts when you are married. If she doesn't respect you while dating, she'll respect you even less when married. If he or she is abusive, addicted, cheating, etc. during dating... it will get worse when married.

Marriage will make a good thing even better, and it will make a bad thing worse.

Find a good thing that will make marriage awesome!

I will not be scared to try

(I am not a lawyer, psychologist, or professional of any kind. These are just my thoughts as they pertain to me. You may want to seek out your own lawyer, psychologist, safety center, police, etc. depending on your own situation. Only you can know your situation.)

"The court won't care about what he is doing."

"He is only hurting himself...most of the time."

"He can control himself... I think."


So many women are too scared to take their ex (or current spouse) to court to ask for something like supervised, or in some cases, limited visitation. And you know what, I don't blame them for part of it. The court system is a wild card, a system where you turn your whole life over to the Judge and just pray like crazy that he or she makes a good decision.

There are horror stories, yes. About courts who went the wrong way, who made crazy decisions.

And, yes, legal battles are expensive. Believe me, I know.

And, yes, many exes respond in scary ways.

These are honestly scary things.

But then there is the opposite side. The part of me that wants to scream at the women who sit back and do nothing when they know that their kids are in danger. The women who know that their ex is abusive, addicted, etc. and they do nothing to protect their kids.

I will not be one of those women who simply sends her kids into danger just because she is too scared to try and protect them.

I do my best to present the facts and proof when we are in court, and when we are out of court and my kid goes with my ex I pray like crazy. My kid knows about keeping your body private, my kid knows about not keeping secrets, and my kid knows that they can talk to me about anything, and my kid knows that they can use teachers or church leaders if they needs someone to talk to as well.

Honestly, in many ways I feel let down by our court system. And in other ways I have been very grateful for it.

Either way, I know that taking the time and patience to present the true facts to the Commissioner is worth it to me. Because my kid is worth it. I try to be calm, concise, having gathered the facts and necessary paperwork, having tried to work out whatever the issue is outside of court if possible, I try to be reasonable, and I I tell it how it is.

I'm not saying that it is easy. In fact, it is not. But my kid is worth it.

My kid deserves my best. My kid deserves safety.

The Benefits of a Kid Calendar

My kid has a lot of anxiety over visits with my ex. To say the least. So, to help with that, we got a calendar so that Sweetpea knows exactly when the visits are and are not. It is on the wall at reachable/readable height and Sweetpea got to pick out the calendar. Other events that Sweetpea wants to know about are written on there as well.

There are no surprises, Sweetpea knows exactly what is coming. Every day the calendar gets marked off and, like I said, there are no surprises.

Sweetpea still has anxiety, and there are still a lot of issues. But being able to know what the visit schedule is has helped for sure.

Do you have something that helps your kids cope with visit anxiety?

Can you marry someone with different political views?

The Question: Can you marry someone with different political views?

The Answer: Yes... but should you?


My ex was one of those that I think agreed with my political views while we were dating, just to appease a subject he knew was important to me. I always just assumed he wasn't as interested in politics as I was. When we'd talk about something and he learned more about it, then he would agree with me.

But then, when we were married, more and more things would happen until one day I had to admit: He's a [insert opposite political party here]! Or at least he often leans that way.

That had nothing to do with why we got divorced, or why we separated. But looking back, it definitely wasn't something that strengthened our marriage.

We all feel so dedicated to our beliefs, be they political or not. Same thing with religion, though probably more so. If you are at odds with your spouse over something so important to you, then it doesn't help anything.

I'm not saying it will kill your marriage, I am only saying that it won't help.

Next time I am marrying a [insert my same political party here]. And not one who is wishy washy. He's got to know what he is talking about.

By the way, while we are on the subject of politics, I am totally voting for [insert presidential candidate's name here]. And now you all know!

Final Divorce Agreement 6: If you don't include it, it won't matter

Maybe someone else's experience has been different (and do remember that I am not a lawyer, this is all my personal experience. Get a lawyer to get advice for yourself), but my experience has been thus:

If we didn't include something in our final agreement, then it isn't there. I know, that sounds super obvious. But consider: there are some topics that I didn't include in my agreement because I never thought it would be an issue.

For instance, there are some things that I thought were obvious. That of course we wouldn't have any issues with that. But my ex eventually put up a stink and now I wish I put those things in the agreement.

I know I am being vague, and it is mainly because every example I can think of has a "yes, but what about this..." application. In other words, I wish I had put some things in but at the same time there was a reason that I didn't. Whether it was because there wasn't a good way to put it in the agreement without it affecting other things, or it got left out in the negotiating process, etc.

I just wanted to tell you that what I have run into is if it isn't in the agreement, then it hasn't applied to my case. No matter how common sense I consider the issue to be.




For Past Final Divorce Agreement Posts, read:


Final Divorce Agreement 5: Contact Information

Final Divorce Agreement 4: Arrearage

Final Divorce Agreement 3: Transportation

Final Divorce Agreement 2: Life Insurance

Final Divorce Agreement 1: Always Reread the Document

When it always comes back to fighting

Someone told me the other day that he gets along with his Ex wife really well. And all I could do was stand there and be like, "Yep . . . that's not what it is like for me."

Because my ex husband is addicted to fighting.

Sometimes I say, Man! I wish there were no problems between me and my ex. But then we wouldn't be divorced, would we. So that is a moot point.

So, what do I do when he keeps trying to fight?

1. I let any and all insults roll off of my shoulders. I don't let the person who is trying to tear me down have a say over my feelings.

2. I take a deep breath and try not to return the fight. I say what I feel needs to be said and I try to be nice about it. I try not to keep the fight going.

3. I decide if there is anything that I can give on. Is this something that matters? Is this something that will set a precedent? Is this something that I can be flexible on? If I need to, I give in.

4. I decide if there is anything that can't give on. Is this something that matters? Is this something that will set a precedent? If I need to, I stand firm. I don't let him bully me or threaten me.

5. I always communicate with my Ex as if he is planning to submit my e-mails to the court. I do this mainly because I have learned that at some point in time, most of my e-mails will be submitted by him to the court. I be nice, I don't return the fight, I do my best to decide when to be flexible and when to  be firm. Our Commissioner has said he likes to see the communication on a subject. But it isn't just about the court. It is about me trying to have a decent, to the point conversation with someone.

I don't want to fall into the fighting trap!

Men don't grow on trees

Well, that's pretty much all I have to say about this. It's true, right? How nice would it be if you could just go to the Man-Orchard and pick out a nice Gentleman with all the qualities that you want? "Excuse me, Mr. Farmer? I would like to completely skip the Creeper and Sleaze trees and go straight to the Gentlemen."

A-ha! I think that is what I should say:

And my goodness, then try to find a good guy who is hard working, church going, and honest. 

Phew! That's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

So, what I am really trying to say is that:

Now, they may not grow on trees, but they are out there. There are good men. Hardworking, Church Going, Honest, Gentlemanly Men.

So, what is my point? Don't Settle! Don't settle for the sleaze and creeper trees. Keep going till you find the better part of the orchard. Or something like that...

Final Divorce Agreement 5 : Contact Information

It's time for another installment in my Final Divorce Agreement Series!

Why am I doing this, you ask? Because it is a stressful, hard time when you are trying to come up with and agree on a final stipulation. I remember when I was at that point in my divorce proceedings and I was doing as much research as I could on the subject. I was bing-ing and google-ing and asking other divorced people for advice. I talked to my lawyer, I prayed, I made lists, etc.

I would have loved to come across some divorced blogger's experience for another example.


Today I am going to talk about something that is VERY important, and yet a very small section of my final stipulation: the CONTACT INFORMATION clause.

(Remember, I am not a lawyer or professional of any kind. This is purely based on my own experiences and should not be taken as advice for your own situation. Talk to your own lawyer for personal advice)

Why have a contact information clause? Because if you have kids then you want to be able to make that contact.

My clause specifies that a current physical address, phone number, and e-mail address are a part of this.

This is pretty basic stuff, but I think it is very important and something you may not have thought about.

Note: I am going to talk later about other advisory guidelines and things that you can include in your final agreements that may or may not take care of some of these issues I am talking about. But, with whatever we did or did not include, we decided to keep our own contact information clause.


For past "Final Divorce Agreement" posts, see the below links!


Final Divorce Agreement 4: Arrearage

Final Divorce Agreement 3: Transportation

Final Divorce Agreement 2: Life Insurance

Final Divorce Agreement 1: Always Reread the Document

The secret no one told you about divorce

It seems that many people are under the impression that getting a divorce will solve all your problems. That if you just weren't married to that person, all would be well.

WRONG!

That's totally wrong. Of course divorce solves some pretty big problems, but sometimes it will make your problems worse.

The true test of a man or woman comes when they go through a divorce. Then you will see their true character.

Wow, that should be a meme!

Drum roll...

This is so true. Some people are really respectful, realistic, and nice in a divorce. I know a couple of guys who treat their ex wives with such amazing class! If I ever marry a divorced man, I hope he will have treated his ex in a kind way. I don't mean ignoring red flags, but you can take someone to court over some pretty heinous actions and simultaneously be nice. It can be done.

On the flip side, If your spouse is prone to causing problems, he or she may continue to do so after the divorce. Especially if you have kids. In my case, things got exponentially worse. It was like he was pulling the gloves off and no holds barred. The divorce led to him lashing out at me even more.

And now his favorite fighting place isn't at home, it's at the court house. 

At the same time, I am in a safer place. My family is still dealing with it, but it is better over all.

But for some people, the divorce can put them in a more dangerous place. If this is you, and your spouse would literally attack you, please get help from the police or from the women's shelter or something. Did you know that in the US you can request to have a police man come and be present during something? 

Also, divorce will not make your personal issues go away. You will still be mourning the divorce, you will still be dealing with the crap you experienced in your marriage if that is the case, and if there was trauma then you will still be healing.

In my case, I still had to deal with the crap and trauma. That didn't just go away. I still felt rejected, I still felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I still felt all the betrayal, and I still felt all of the other craptastic things our family had to go through. 

The divorce did help me to heal from the trauma because it put me in a better place to heal. Oh, I still get the same treatment if not worse from him, but now I just think, "Whatever, Ex."

What he says is still awful, no one should be treated like that. But I have grown to let it roll off.

So, the secret no one told you about divorce? It helps somethings, but not all. 

Divorce will not erase the trauma, it won't erase the crap, and it won't erase the pain of getting a divorce. You will still need to take steps to get you through to a healthy place.

And, if you are on the other side, please accept the consequences of your actions and use this opportunity to get any help that may be needed. 

So, get ya'all to a healthy place, you hear? Don't expect Divorce to do it for you. It doesn't work like that.

Congrats, you're . . . divorced?

The other day, a friend of mine told us that her divorce was final. We all congratulated her.

Which kills me.

Yes, kills me. Because it feels so contrary to how it should be. And do you know why it feels like that? Because it is. Ideally, no one would have to get divorced.

Notice I said "have to" instead of just "no one would get divorced." Because unfortunately, a lot of us find ourselves in crappy situations, dealing with dangerous stuff.

Now, I run a blog completely on dealing with your divorce. If you are here, I am assuming that you are going through a divorce process or situation yourself. My words of advice are thus: Do NOT apply your situation to everyone else. And do not make "divorce" a casual word in your life.

Even when divorce is necessary, it is still sad. So, yes. I will congratulate my friend who got herself out of an abusive situation and is now able to move on with her life to at least a small degree. But I will also morn for her and the heartache that is divorce.

Divorce should not be taken lightly, nor should the discussion of it.

At the same time, getting to a safe place from a dangerous one is something worth celebrating.

Just be real about it. Just because Divorce was the right choice for you doesn't mean that Divorce itself is a happy thing. Now, being safe? That is a happy thing.

And there lies the difference. In reality, when I congratulate someone on their divorce, I am really congratulating them on getting to a safer place.

"Valentine's Day? Really?"

Haha! I love Disgust!

Memories and pictures that make you sad, happy, or barf

So, I found an old sim-card full of pictures from before the divorce.  WAY before the divorce. WAY before I even started to have an inkling of all the problems we had.

Some of the pictures made me laugh. Things that I had done in college for class, I found a picture of a fake butler that I dressed up for a holiday once. It was one of those pop up card board characters that I put a white shirt and tie on. Haha!

Some of the pictures made me sad. Like, seeing a picture of the clock we got for a wedding present. Someone that loved us took the time to make us a clock with our picture in the middle. How cool is that? And unless my Ex kept it, that clock is long gone. I hope he didn't keep it. That would definitely be creepy . . .

And then I came across a picture of us kissing. And I wanted to barf.  Because you can only take so many YEARS of crap and trauma from someone.

But, I think having this range of reaction to memories is pretty common. Especially when your experiences with someone are so varied. It's like a roller coaster.

Do you find the same thing with pictures?

Remember to take a deep breath!

Today's post is to remind you to take a deep breath. When your ex picks a fight, when the court doesn't listen, when everything just seems so crazy . . .

Take a deep breath. Think before you speak. Stay calm.

Flying off the handle, saying mean things back, and sometimes even just speaking your mind can get you into trouble.

Stay professional, and that is how you will be viewed. You want to be known as someone with a level head.

I cringe every time I hear someone say that they finally let their ex know what is on their mind.

Ugh. Because don't doubt for a second that your ex will use that next time you are in court, even just as a character reference.

Just stay calm. And think, "Is this reaction worth it in the long run/"

Just my two sense from my personal experiences. I don't know, maybe you've found something different?

Final Divorce Agreement 4 : Arrearage

Welcome back to the fourth installment of my Final Divorce Agreement Series! Woohoo!

Remember that I am not an attorney, these are based on my personal experiences.

My final divorce agreement has a little section in it called "Arrearage."

1.  According to Merriam Webster, Arrearage refers to "something that is in arrears; especially :  something unpaid and overdue"

All the agreement says essentially is that neither of us owe the other any money as of the date of the agreement. The reason for this is that neither of us wanted the other to come back and try to claim that there was past money owed.

Now, realistically, there was past money due on the part of my ex. So we put a clause in another part of the agreement where he agreed to pay that amount, we put what it was for and that kind of detail. Which I will talk about at a future point.

What to do with Evidence on a Computer

Have evidence on your computer? Stop doing anything on the computer and immediately call someone official who will know how to document it. You can start by talking to your lawyer about what the evidence is and if they have a suggestion of what to do with it. 

Or you could also call a computer investigator. Like a Forensic Computer Specialist. 

Your situation is entirely unique to you and I can not and would not give advice. This is just my personal experience.

I had evidence on my computer that was very important to my case. I called someone who investigates computers, they came and got the computer and then searched it. Afterwards they gave me a report of what they found and they sealed up my computer. 

Why would they seal it up? To show that no one had touched it since the investigator. 

This was super annoying. And I was not thrilled to suddenly have my computer non-usable. But, hey, that's evidence.

The specialist also said that he could make a copy of anything I needed on the computer. He had the ability to copy the whole hard drive if needed. 

But I was told that evidence is more usable if you can limit the number of people who's custody it has been in. If you can track and limit who had access to the evidence it will help. If you can prove that they evidence has not been accessed, all the better.

How to address the Judge or Commissioner from the table

Before you go to court, ask your attorney what to do if the Commissioner or Judge speaks to you directly. In the courthouse I go to for hearings there are little signs on the desks that ask you to stand when addressing the Commissioner.

There have been a couple of times when the Commissioner has addressed me directly and I am so nervous that I answer before I realize that I didn't stand up!

So, before you go in, talk to your attorney about what to do if you are called on.

Of course if you are representing yourself and going to stand at the podium, then that is an entirely different thing.

I am just talking about if you are sitting by your attorney and the Commissioner turns to you and asks you a question.

But, I have seen other people asked questions in the middle of a hearing and they are sitting back in their chair, lounging. Then they hmm and haw, not acting like they really care. Which does not seem very professional.

When I talk, I try to get straight to the point and speak clearly. But, that's just me.

Ask your attorney so that when the time comes you aren't blindsided and know how to calmly respond.

Prepare for the worst

It is a depressing subject, but an important one. If you were to die, what would still need to be done in your divorce case or for your kids, etc.

Are there important facts that someone else would need to argue? I'm not talking about deciding who gets the toaster oven, but arguing other volatile issues. If there is something important that wouldn't change once you died and would need to be argued.

Do you have a will or a life insurance policy that could protect your kids? Who would take care of them if you passed?

These are all things you need to think about and prepare for. What could you do now to prepare for the worst?

Final Divorce Agreement 3 : Transportation

One thing we covered in our final agreement was who was in charge of transportation. Who picks up the child, who drops off the child, etc.

What we agreed on, and what I believe is pretty standard, is that the receiving parent picks the child up.  So, at the beginning of my ex's parent time visit he is in charge of coming to get the child. At the end when the visit is over, I am in charge of coming to pick up the child.

And you'd better be on time! Don't be late, and don't even be too early. Be respectful of the other parent's time. If you realize that traffic was light and you are way too early, go on a drive or something. This is just my personal opinion, and not a legal opinion.

Then, we also included where we pick up the child. At the residence or mutually agreed upon location. Now, realistically, I am pretty accommodating on this part. My ex has asked me to come pick her up from other locations once in a while and so far those have worked out.

There are tons of different transportation arrangements out there. Some pick up from the curb or from a different location all together, if one party is supervised then the terms of the supervision will affect the pickup. Etc. Etc. Etc.